Movies. Good Ones. Of the whole decade.

Batman Begins
Up
V for Vendetta
Slumdog Millionaire
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
Kill Bill vol. 1
The Wrestler
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Lost in Translation
MirrorMask
Coraline
Little Miss Sunshine
I am Legend
Where the Wild Things Are
Sin City
Spirited Away
Wall-E
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Everything is Illuminated

My taste is weird, I know. I like kick-ass adventure as much as thought-provoking movies. Hardly any good martial arts films this decade- lots of BAD ones.

Oar you happy the year is over?

I am so happy the year is almost at a close. What a rotten training year. I was hurt so friggin much. I was sick a lot too. I am looking for a better year next year. I'd like to compete a bit more too, if the money situation improves.

I already have plans for the school's tourney. I am doing the same oar kata I did last year- hopefully with a better oar. I am pissed, by the way, that the eku has become the weapon du jour at school. Last year it was tonfa. Foobar is starting a kata with it. It is so big on him that when he did an overhead block, he almost tipped over. Anyways, I will do that, and I am learning Chinto, though I am not all that impressed with it yet.

I have simpler resolutions this year- a) get buffer by working out more and eating less junk b) practicing more with my weapons c) devoting more time to sword.

Back into the G-roo-ve

     In between finishing finals, and beagling around with my evil beagle, I have been doing a lot of thinking about teaching practices of myself and others. A kid- let's call him Chipmunk- told me yesterday that his older brother, who had just recently joined MMA, got his arm broken. Already- within two or three months of training. Now accidents are accidents, but what is sounds like is that the training partner was overzealous, and the brother wouldn't tap. Rule number one in submissions- there are no wusses, only idiots.It seems like their teacher forgot (or didn't bother) to teach control.  It's a big problem I find with kids. Now Lurch, who barely comes to class as it is, has always had a problem with controlling his power in sparring. Put a black belt on him, and now he thinks he's God. What he needs is a reality check in the form of a fist or foot hurdling into his face.

     The Things, on the other hand, need some kind of concept of time. You can't waltz into an hour long class 15 minutes late and expect to get anything out of it.

     *Sigh* sometimes I hate class. Ohter times, I like to watch idiots suffer.

My imaginary Letter to the Editor of a martial art magazine

Dear Editor,

       I am a martial artist, an instructor of martial arts, and an a self-professed scholar. I also happen to like mixed martial arts, primarily for the amusement of watching classically trained martial artists wipe the mat with "brawlers", and for the antics of  the "Ultimate Fighter" TV show contestants who should know better. I realize that, although my almost ten years of being involved in this world of martial arts is very short by comparision to others, I have been here long enough to discover some basic universal truths. One; there there will be as many schools and styles of arts as there are students to explore them, and someone's heaven on Earth is another man's Mc Dojo. Two; that no matter what style or school you decide to train in, in the end the one responsible for your growth the most is yourself. And three (and perhaps most naive of me); we martial artists have to stick together, especially in tough times like these.

       My senior thesis at college was on the examination of community relationships within the local martial arts community. In English, that means I studied how people in martial arts schools behaved. Although I spent a year bouncing between two karate schools that were as different as peanut butter and jelly, I found many similarities; highly structured activity, closeness within members, and a drive to create harmony out of chaos. The most striking aspect for me was seeing that not only did successful schools run like a well-oiled machine, they were also friendly with each other. We, the martial arts community, can in fact be considered a modern guild. We are different with a common purpose- to disseminate our knowledge, and to make money doing it. Unfortunately, several of our colleagues have chosen to focus on the latter part, and forgo any obligation to be nice at all. As a result, many of us engage in mud-slinging with our students (our "children" that we are supposed to be looking out for) caught in the middle, and as a result, many unscrupulous people are able to prey on them.

      Styles and schools within the same style have fought for years about everything from the right age to start training to what it should take to be a black belt. Lately, a lot of the fighting has been exacerbated by the rift formed between traditional and mixed martial arts, or MMA. Essentially, MMA started as a contest to answer the age-old question- what martial art is the best? The Gracies, a family of great martial artists and very smart businesspeople, rode MMA's wave to fame, making Brazilan Jiu Jitsu one of the most popular styles in the world. It didn't take long for watchers to realize that it wasn't the style, but the person who came out on top, and usually they were the fighters that were  the most well-rounded. Thus, the multi-style hysteria  is born. Nowadays, you are no longer considered "complete" unless you can fight on your feet and your back. This concept horrifies traditional martial artists. After all, how can you master a style when you are studying five all at once? The consequences over the last five to ten years have been incredible. For starters, students want more out of training- more conditioning, more classes, more...everything. Unfortunately, a student'stalent and work ethic often falls short of his zeal. They either leave because they are too schizophrenic with training, or they burn out. As a result, the attrition rate at martial arts schools is now sky high. 
  
     This attitude has developed the Generation Me phenomenon, encouraging new martial artists (especially children)  to demand that the style work for them, inside of the previous "how can I fit in with the style?" attitude of years past. As a result, many traditional martial artists blame MMA for their problems, but what it's really done is make us evaluate how we can compete in this changing world. Not all of the Me attitude is unjustified- after all, even the most pious of schools are out for a buck, and as such we student/customers ought to get what we pay for. Many old-schoolers have chosen to rest on their laurels and be unfriendly to schools around them, especially to the newer MMA schools. Instead of choosing to advertise our successes with students, we instead put down other schools. X style is not good, or Y teacher is crap, because only I know the right way. And wouldn't you know these are the same people who have not practiced or trained under anyone themselves for several years. The old cliche, "the fancier your belt, the fatter your waistline" is starting to hold true, and that scares me. We are driving our own students away by being stale.

    Bruce Lee was a major pioneer in the martial arts world- not because he wanted to prove he was the best- no, because he wanted to share his knowledge with others. He once said- "I am a martial artist first, and an actor second." He was not shy in admitting that he acted for the money, remarking in several instances that he was a terrible actor. But he hoped it would help promote his little nugget of truth- that a style of "no style" made the best martial artist. But many have misinterpreted this comment, believing he advocated quantity over quality. What he really meant was that to think that "this style is the best" or "this works well for this situation" would only serve to stunt your growth as a martial artist, be it one style you study or five. The best philosophy is to open your mind to many. This was not a new concept by any means. Several hundred years before, the great swordsman Musashi indicated in his The Book of Five Rings, that the only things of use where the things you understood. The modern translation would be that although BJJ is "great for ground game" it will be utterly useless to you if you suck at it.

     But what does this have to do with community? Well, traditional and MMA schools, I have written this plea to you in hopes that you will realize we are all under attack. We have been for many years, by people who are only interested in making us look bad and profiting highly off of it. Lately, these people are under the guise of MMA, even though their ideals are not even close. You might have seen them in your neighborhood. All of a sudden, thanks to television, more schools than ever are popping up offering MMA. Some of them are already established schools who seem to magically acquire cage fighting skills overnight. They offer maximum training at inflated prices and false promises that they can turn you into a fighter. There seems to be no limit to how low these people will go to steal our students away, and probably the worst of it all is watching them market directly to children. Let the buyer beware- being a member of a school like this will not help you become a professional mixed martial artist, won't teach you self-defense, and will hand you disappointment and an empty wallet.  The very usage of MMA in the title of these schools is a joke- teaching bits of several martial arts is not mixed martial arts. Those schools who cannot discern the difference between the sport that is MMA and a school that offers classes in different arts have no business using MMA in their school's title.  I find it pointless to offer MMA to people who don't understand that a match is not a real fight (as many teenagers and highly-testosteroned young men don't), or to offer it in a state like NY where competing in it is illegal, and you are several hundred miles away from any venue that allows it. That being said, many MMA schools should be sweating these fraud places. It is a black eye for the sport of MMA as a whole, much like a boot camp for anorexic girls is bad for the sport of gymnastics.

     We don't have to agree on everything. I think there is a certain beauty to that. Just look at how vast the world of visual arts is, where Van Gogh can exist with Warhol. There is plenty of room for everyone if we play our cards right, but we have to look out for each other. Stop bickering. Start becoming involved in the community that you are supposed to be supporting. If martial arts is to survive past this Me era, we are going to have to let go of our preconceived notions about how we run things, and get back to what's important. In the end, we teach martial arts for two reasons- because we love it, and want to share that love.

Regards.



  

Sometimes life sucks.

I am hurt again. I ended up twisting my neck in a real odd way two weeks ago and gave myself "spasmic torticullis", which sounds much cooler than "muscle spasm". I also had my bad rib out again, and as a result haven't been doing much of anything. I am very wonky to say the least.

Prior to that I had been doing really good at P90X. In 3 weeks I had worked up to doing 5 pull-ups and was just starting to get some definition when the thing with my neck happened. I was in a half-sleep two weeks ago and turned my neck too quickly. Pop. Followed by not being able to get out of bed for nearly 4 hours after that. So as a result, I cannot do much of anything exercise-wise until my neck heals. So, there pretty much goes my only source of serotonin, which is excellent timing- right around finals. Did I also mention I quit soda?

I completely understand now why a lot of people can't stick to an exercise or diet plan, when there is so much stress. I would just like to be able to do yoga again. I am very, very frustrated. I just have to wait it out.

Roo...a lowly holiday from martial arts

Things have been a mess lately. I've been under a lot of stress. School has been kicking my butt. And my interest in martial arts has been really dampened because of it. It's been difficult to even do little things martial arts wise- I have working on Tekki Shodan, not a complicated kata, but I'm just not up to it. So this week I have missed class, and I am just trying to reflect on how I managed to get to this point.

This past weekend, we had a guy run a grappling clinic. The guy was shaped like a bulldog. I think it went way over most of our heads. It is hard to pass guard without knowing what guard is. If we do this again, I'd like to start with the defensive aspects, instead of trying to do a banana split on people that are afraid to rub up against each other.

That day, Applebee's Guy showed up with his dad. He gained some weight and looked old. I had to remind myself he's still two years younger than I am. I had to wonder if he was thinking where he would be right now if he were still with us. Were there any regrets?  Maybe he didn't miss it at all. I guess that's what's been really bothering me. I have been thinking about leaving this all behind recently. I still will do martial arts, but I want to be somewhere else. Roo.

Roo! An Aiki sho-dan

Sunday was....how do I put it? Hell. Yep, it was Hell. But for hte first time ever, we actually started on time. Foobar's test was a lot shorter than I thought it would be, primarily because he's so small, he only had a 3 uke line. So things flew. Thank God he knew his vocab, but I don't put any faith in him remembering anything or staying long enough for ni-dan.

The baby ni-dan tests.....I seriously might kill them all. Wheezy Kid STILL can't do a back fall, Lurch kicked a kid in the face (and can't roll out of throws), and Frankenstein still wrestles instead of using...I dunno ANYTHING we taught him to do. I can't stand them, and hope they all quit. Soon.

My karate ni-dan test was much longer than I thought it would be, and I didn't get any comments about it. I dunno if that's good or not. Goth kid tested for ni-dan, and that was pretty uneventful.And then my aiki test came about. It was long, tiring, painful, etc. It wasn't the big fanfare that I was hoping, and I was rather discouraged when most of my critiques came out of things that were Head Sensei's fault. Stupid bobbles in reishiki, etc. It all seemed to stem from the fact that every other school that teaches aiki does so 3x a week, while we teach 2 1/2hours a week total. Shit.

So pooped.

The non-stop rain has made it impossible to get outside to practice, so I have been doing whatever kata I can fit in a tiny enclosed space. My main conern this weekend is my aiki test and keeping healthy. I hurt my toes doing my idori- probably because I didn't warm them up properly.So I have to be really vigilant about what I do with the balls of my feet. Stupid toes.

I did make this belt rack (finally) that I have been meaning to do for 6 years now. It's alright.

Pit Bulls are not vicious creatures :)

So a lot has happened since my last entry. We finally got the the testing situations straightened out, and we are all testing next Sunday. This is gonna suck. But some good things happened too. While I was practicing my aiki and my physics face (>:p) this month, a lot of people started flooding the dojo. Ah, the mid-September rush.This means lots of new meat,er, ukes. A lot of people got ranked too. Goth Kid got ranked in aiki and karate, the older two Pitbulls got ranked aiki,  another one (the one who called me Stitch) in aiki, Snotball and Snotshadow got ranked in karate (although I stress that Snotshadow got it first) and Lil' Stein somehow managed to thwart Darwin and get his green belt.

So yes, lots of promotions. And for me, I think this next weekend will be my last with the school. My grades as of late are suffering, and so is my body. Taking three arts is fun , but not very smart for somebody whose body falls apart at a whim. If and when I move to chiro. school (again, this time out of state) I will let my martial arts take the brunt of my lack of time management skills and only study one for maybe twice a week for the couple of years I am in school.

Enough of that. Here is (how we think) next Sunday is going to go:

1. Foobar's baby sho-dan test
2. Frankenstein, Wheezy Kid, and Lurch test for baby ni-dan
3. My ni-dan test for karate (the adult version, dammit!)
   
4. (hopefully) some lunch
5. Goth Kid's ni-dan test
6. My aiki sho-dan test

So Yeah, long day. I am projecting I won't be getting over until maybe 8 o'clock. Head Honcho sensei is nuts.

Questions asked by 14 year olds online...and my answers

1. Who would win in a fight between (guy a) and (guy b)? The better guy. How about (wildlife) and (guy)? wild animal. What if (guy) had a gun? Guy with gun. What about (dead guy) and (other guy)? Other guy, because dead guy is DEAD. But what if (dead guy) was brought back to life in his prime? He'd probably have better things to do than fight a douchebag like...make crappy kids flicks and make shit loads of money (Jackie Chan...)Okay but what if (guy a) and (guy b) fought, and one of them had a gun? Well, provided that said gunholder can successfully use gun without blowing own face off, the gunholder.
2. Should I fight this guy? Um...no. But he totally disrespected me. And...And I wanna fight him. Well you've already made up your mind to get your ass kicked, so why are bothering to ask?
3.  Is (art) effective in street fights? First, lemme ask you a question; what do you think a street fight is? Do you even know? Unless you are currently located in the slums of an inner-city, living in a housing project run by drug lords and your momma wants you off the street at every night at dark to avoid being a stat in the city's homicide count, then DON'T FUCKING TELL ME, BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW, OR IF YOU DID YOU'D KNOW THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION! You wanna know what's 100% effective in street fights? Stay off the street.

 

Roo! A test date!

So finally after waiting...and waiting...and waiting, I finally found my test date for both aiki and karate. It will be the 26th of this month. I can't wait for it to be over. I feel ready. I have worked out all the bugs, and now it will be a battle to practice enough while juggling college.

For the last week I have been teaching a lot- mostly the upper belt juniors. I am trying to get them to hold themselves up to a different standard than that of an eight-year old child, but sometimes I think rich kids wanna be babies forever. Well, I know my rank sheet...clearly, that's all I need- or rather, want. It makes me wonder why so many of these same kids wanna do MMA. There's no ranks to be had. Oh, and by the way, MMA is not the same as hodj-podj. I'd like to tell that to the resident martial art mogul/idiot who opened up a children's MMA school out of a local bowling alley. *SSSIIIGGGHHHH!*

Okay, every once in a while, I like to write out my lists of pet peeves. So here goes:

1.  Children of the same rank and age rank the same. That one day of difference really doesn't matter. So if I catch another pair of same-ranked kids bumbling over each other to line up, I'm gonna punt 'em.
2.  You cannot learn new kata by watching. Ever.
3. Parents, stop dressing your kids. They needed that skill for kindergarten.
4. Sword sensei- little bites...little bites. Not whole sandwich. Not unless you're a hound.
5. If I see an unclaimed weapon, manual, or piece of sparring gear thrown carelessly onto the floor, I will follow the beagle property law- it's mine.
6. You are not above sweeping the floor...Snotball.
7. If class starts at 6, that means 6pm. Not roll out the changing room at 6. Not arrive at 6. Be dressed and ready to go AT 6.
   

Cute and Fluffy!

Today I was called by a friend "Stitch" for my ability do aiki rolls without a sound. He said, "Not calling you a little blue monster or anything." To which I replied, "But I am cute and fluffy." "Sure, he said without thinking. That was a nice moment. He got ranked today in karate. Aiki sensei came back from a long stretch away. That is very good. I hate having to lead class. Sarge and her kid have employed me for private lessons to get them ready for black belt. They are good students. I dunno how I will hold onto the "fun" of martial arts class now that I am going to school again. Ugh. We'll see.

Boring Summer

Nothing has happened really this summer. Batta is home for the summer break. A lot of people either quit or come once in a blue moon- I don't hold my breath that it will stay that way, though. Bailout left for Japan, where no doubt her world will come crashing down when she realizes she can't do half the things she thought she could. I can't wait to hear her complain about getting hit during her first round of shotokan full-contact sparring. We have been working very little iai. Sword sensei is sick, and Head sensei is busy with karate. Foobar, now t-minus 6 months to his black belt test, has suddenly figured out he's screwed. He has no self-defense skills, can't throw the kids closest to his size (all two of them), and the worst of all CAN'T READ HIS MANUAL! Apparently his mom has been reading it for him. It's past sad now. Oh, and after a 3 month hiatus, Wheezy Kid has made his triumphant return. Hasn't changed one bit. I might kill him.

Although I supposed to test for ni-dan this summer, that didn't happen. Head Honcho sensei was just too busy. Instead I will do both my aiki sho-dan and my karate ni-dan on the same date. Bah. It's been a fight to stay interested in martial arts, with all the adults checking out left and right.I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Summer of Schnauzer

I haven't been writing lately because I was in Austin, visiting my brother and his schnauzer. It was quite interesting, and I really enjoyed the time off. I came in to class Wednesday night, but wasn't feeling well. Hopefully, I will be back to my old self by Monday. I am trying to get my head together because I will be (supposedly) testing for my aiki sho-dan in a couple weeks. I'm still kinda bah about it, and my study buddy is busy studying for things that matter. It's times like this I wish I had a cute, cuddly schnauzer of my own. Squeak.

Unlikely Friends to a Martial Artist

1. Downy Wrinkle Releaser- for when you just don't have time to press your gi.
2. Moleskin- for stick-to-your-foot cushiness.
3. Febreeze- when you remember you forgot to wash your gi, and it's 10 minutes before class.
4. the perfect pushup bars- nice on your hands, and help you get in shape.
5. boxing hand wraps- better than "bag gloves"
6. travel sized nail clippers- for short nails as a common courtesy to your fellow gym mates
7. Rite Aid toe cushions- meant for bunions, they work as a surprisingly good toe splint, and did I mention they are cushy?
8. Sambo shoes- for those special sketchy-looking dojo floors/ petri dish for ringworm.
9. bleach + H20- hurray for disease control!
10. dollar store mesh laundry bag- for when $80 is simply too much to pay for to protect your gear.
11. Dixie Cups- why not?
12. Lidocaine patches- it lasts for 12 hours!
13. Travel size Tylenol- just because.
14. pens- because you always gotta write something down.
15. pilates weighted ball- because most kids wouldn't know the meaning of chi if it hit them in the face, a nylon weighted ball in their hands makes those shitty presses in their katas that they do a hell of a lot harder to accomplish.
16. cosmic brownies- when you're about to crash from low sugar levels
17. Tide pen- see #16.
18. tissues- because inevitably, your nose runs whenever some kid is tying up the bathroom.
19. a pocket calendar- for figuring out if you're working on training days.
20. more of #16 and 17.

The gut-wretching episode that was the UFC 100 dinner....and a bad batch of food

So my sister, Batta, and I went to the local dive bar that was showing UFC 100 after fruitlessly trying to get a seat at another dive bar where the food is slightly better and there was pie to be had. The last time we went there for a PPV, a fight broke out, so it wasn't a total loss. It was less crowded here, and the people actually looked like they were old enough to drink, not to mention they actually knew who was on the card that night.

And the food is...still haunting me. I was so hungry- literally waking up after a 2 hour nap just 20 minutes before we had to go, I was starving. And since none of us were beer drinkers, we had to order something we could milk for a whole PPV- onion rings, french fries, moz sticks...ever notice that food for fight watching would never be touched by self-respecting fighters? Anyways, so we ate and ate, watching the tv and discussing techniques we saw. There was a lot of nice things I saw- Akiyama's first win and how happy he was (even if the fight was kind of a draw), GSP's clinic on takedowns (the man is GOD), and Dan Henderson's elbow sandwich of Bisping's face...ouch. All of this was shattered by the circus that is Brock Lesnar, and a 24 hour bout with everything Pepto Bismol treats.

Baby Brock, as I like to call him, reminds me of one of those kids who got kicked off the football team for his inability to "play nice with others" , and now bitterly thinks the world owes him something. The thing that scares most martial artists, traditional or otherwise, is not his bad-boy persona, show-boating, or his lack of tact in show-boating (fingers, public declaration of wife-screwing, or otherwise), it's the fact that he's actually appealing to young kids as cool. That's exactly what we need- a ton of Brock wanna-bes with more boisterous behavior and less talent. It's a future many teachers fear will be for their Snotballs or Frankensteins if such behavior is rewarded. And another thing...what the hell are 10 year olds watching UFC for??? Really, bad parenting for the win, or what?

I don't want to encourage Baby Brock one way or another- he's an okay at-best martial artist (which is different from being a good fighter, which he is), and he's not that interesting as a "bad guy" if that's what he is going for (he wasn't that particularly interesting the first time he tried it in the WWE). So I will wait until it all blows over, which for guys like him always ends one of three ways; 1) he gets arrested 2) he gets fired or 3) he becomes a footnote by getting knocked out by someone with talent.

Weather the Storm

Today was very interesting day. Not only was it Tanabata today, but a MMA school opened just two doors down from us. I looked at the door at its stark emptiness (the school is a basement) and it just says "MMA". I have to admit, I turned my head in curiosity like a beagle. A year ago, I would not have considered such a thing happening- now, I'm not surprised. I immediately wondered who in this small town is qualified to teach such a thing. I wonder if it's one of those schools that teach you MMA like it's an actual "style". It should be interesting to see what happens with that place. I think we should do something to welcome them into the neighborhood, like... make them a fruitcake or something.

So I go in into school (and I normally do not go to Tuesday class, as I have said before) and I could not believe the debaughery that was going on there. Frankenstein trying to run warm-ups...and then Foobar running combos *stick fork in eye here* I CAN'T STAND KIDS! So where is Head sensei during all of this? Teaching Bailout how to use kama...and she kept dropping them. *sigh* MMA is tempting me...

So anyways, I am setting up my bamboo tree like I always do. This year, the holiday will be on Wednesday class, the more populated of the week, so a day late. I am feeling in need of a joyous occasion.

What happens when you hit a brick wall

I have extreme issues with what is going on with the school right now. But finally, as some sort of sun that has come out from parting clouds, I understand the problem that has haunted me for the past few months- it's not issues with my school. It's issues with my style. Period.

I'm gonna come out and say some really shocking things. Head Honcho sensei is an idiot, living among vultures who want to suck his style dry when he's gone. It is clear just by the way that aiki is run, that he has no clear vision with what he wants to do with aiki in general. Other head senseis will agree with every ADD-induced idea he has because they don't wanna make waves by suggesting that such ideas could be BAD. When I joined this style, there were no junior black belts, no hakama-wearing kyu ranks in aiki- belts in aiki!- and it took you a whole year to get your first rank in iai and aiki. All of this shit went down in the past three or so years, and I think it's largely due to Head Honcho sensei being sick and not taking care of his health. I don't doubt that the man is/was a great martial artist, but he is at best a disorganized mess. Sword sensei once expressed to me his worries about the future of this style when Head Honcho sensei passes away, and I believe after observing these changes and how other greedy people in the organization behave, that there will be none.

I think Head Sensei is well-meaning, but gets side-tracked easily. He is trying to teach 50+ people by himself, primarily because the black belts don't think they owe him a damn thing. He deals with the pushiest professional parents that I have ever seen, demanding to know when their kids will get ranked "so they can bring cameras." And the kids are so mouthy to us, to each other, to their own parents. But they get ranked.

Okay, enough bitching. I don't spit such things without at least offering how to fix them. I have been watching a lot of Trading Spouses recently, and although it's really hokey (you wouldn't wanna be married to either wife) , I like the rule change idea. Here is mine, for my school only. The rest of the style can sit on it.

NEW RULES

1. Classes will start on time.
2. If you miss the bowing in, you must do 25 pushups before asking for permission to join class.
   
3. No more belt testing fees. You pay for the belt when you earn it. That's it. No more three-four month wait either. If you earn it in two, good. If it takes you two years to be worthy, even better.
4. In exchange for # 3, students nor parents of students will not ask about getting ranked.
   
5. If you are more than 10 minutes late to class or have to leave class more than 10 minutes early, DON'T come to class.
   
6. Everyone must help with chores before practicing kata- whatever the chore chart says, you do. Sweep the floor. Stock the restroom. Wipe the mirrors.
   
7. You will not demand of your sensei to teach you new kata, especially when it is not in your rank.
   
8. Everyone warms up together.
   
9. Juniors teach juniors (with adult supervison). Adults teach adults.

Now that's out of my system, I will fill you in on what has happened. Obviously I did not test for ni-dan on the 20th, via some transportation problems which is another matter entirely. Howveer I am not too terribly broken up about it. In fact, I feel good. My foot is almost healed, and I have been concentrating on aiki. It's been fun throwing and been thrown again. And also Tanabata is coming up. Nothing like candy, green tea and dorayaki to brighten the mood. It feels good to not have to worry anymore. I kinda learn what I want to now. And the people I like, I hang with, and people I don't- screw 'em.

A Manic-Depressive Dan Ranking Eve

I am almost twelve hours away from my karate ni-dan test, and I am still feeling depressed about it. Not nervous, depressed. A lot has happened this week that has stressed me out, and worst part about it is that in the end, nothing has really changed.

After a blowout with family and friends over the weekend, I had another blowout at class. I was in a really bad mood, and didn't want to be bothered- but of course I was. Bailout and the Things were once again sucking up valuable class time with shit they ought to know by now; most notably they were reviewing the sai kata I needed for adult sho-dan. This is the same kata that was crammed for me because these three idiots were busy learning useless shit for competition. I hate sai, and I admit to not working them ever. I told Head sensei that I want to eventually actually learn sai movement, not the shitty kata just to get a rank. That was on Saturday. Fast forward to Monday- all three of them sucking up the floor with the sai kata in absolute fear that they will be called upon to do this kata. Here I am, busy with my own stuff and mumbling to myself that after three years, I still don't feel comfortable with a bo. Then head sensei asks to see my sai kata. I just lose it at that point.

It irritates me that these brats who have been shodan for at least two years (albeit junior sho-dan)and have had every opportunity to review this kata with Head sensei suck up his time now, of all times, because they are little grade-gouchers who don't learn anything unless it's for rank and promptly forget it. I'm actually trying to learn and maintain all of this information because I like to learn. So Head sensei takes me into his office and the chance to say all of this quickly slips away into a bumble of words that don't come out right. He attributes it to "nerves" amd I am dismissed. I have to "get my head on straight" he says.

FUCK!

I cannot describe to you the autistic frustrations that come with trying to defend yourself verbally. The only thing that gives me comfort is the prospect of either humilating Bailout at her test by doing everything better, or by embellishing an injury caused by her incompetence. I HATE TESTS. I especially hate when other people capable of a harder test get a softer one primarily because of their age or gender. It makes the school look really, really bad when that happens. I know I can't control what other people do, but I can control my feelings about it and who I direct it at. From this poitn on, I am declaring war on bratty little rich kids.

JUST BECAUSE MOMMY OR DADDY HAD ENOUGH DOUGH FOR YOU TO START KARATE AT A YOUNG AGE, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU GOOD! JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T QUIT IN 5 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE WORTH MY RESPECT! FURTHERMORE, YOU WILL NEVER BE AN ADULT BLACK BELT UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY CAN DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST AN ADULT, A FACT WHICH YOU WILL PROBABLY DISCOVER WHEN YOU PISS OFF THE WRONG COMMON PERSON AT COLLEGE THE MOMENT YOU OPEN YOUR RICH BITCH MOUTHS . GOOD RIDDANCE, YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT.

Now that that's take care of, I will try to breathe easy for the rest of this entry. So after karate, I was able to do some bo-bo kumite with Head sensei, despite my best efforts to sneak into iai class. It managed to get some of my aggression out, which is nice. I was actually having fun up until I felt my toes on my left foot roll over. POP, POP! So, I broke some toes or ligaments or something. My foot, although not swollen, is blue and tender, and I cannot flex my 2nd and 3rd toes. Every fucking time there is an important test, I hurt myself. I dunno if it was chanelled anger that broke my toes- some kind of subconsious wish to have an excuse not to do this test, but I think it might be a part of it. The other part of it is my body hates me.

Wednesday was pretty uneventful. I was left alone, which was exactly what I wanted, and I got to teach adults. In aiki, I got to teach a karate kid on aiki basics. He won't stay. So now I wait and wonder. Should I have told Head sensei I didn't want to test? I still really don't. I feel as though I am doing it more for my school than myself. If I am truly worthy, as he says, than what does that say about the state of the school if dumb people rank just as quickly?

Chickenchaku! or Numclucks!

This week was much improved over the past few sessions of class. Two aiki classes were great. We actually broke a sweat, and B.M/D and I agreed that it was similar to the way classes used to be. Damn, do I miss those days. They are actually starting to prime me up for sho-dan (finally!) and I am rather excited. I started this class about six years ago and I actually think I'm prepared to test. I've really missed enjoying aiki class.

Karate was okay today, too. Head Sensei went over my katas, told me I would be fine for the test, and we talked a bit about stuff. I missed that too. During my 100 time during the bo kata, I was witness to the horror that was Snotball and Snotshadow during knife defense. Any waza that ends with "Die, pig, die!" is rather subject to a head examination, in my opinion- not to mention that Snotball was holding the knife with her hand completely wrapped around the knife edge. *SIGH!*

Head sensei and I spent some time in iai class doing bo-bo kumite (I know, not iai, but I will take the help when I can get it). He told be I spar like a sword student (ha ha) and showed me some more tricks I can use. I spent the rest of the day studying Katori kata- Sa-ken, Nuki-uchi-no-ken, etc. I missed those kata so much! I have far too much to study. I blame Head Sensei.

Roo.

I am really tired with everything that is going on at home and at the school. It is very, very frustrating to be in limbo. When I open my school, sometime 40+ years into the future (I should be paid off on all my college loans by then, right?) I will tell peopel exactly when their black belt tests are a year in advance. No more of this last minute shit.

I was told on Monday I would not be testing for ni-dan, only to be told on Wednesday that I will be after all. Yay...oh by the way, I will be testing in a week and a half. Joy. This getting jerked around for the past three months has really exhausted me- add to the fact I am getting injured a lot and I am trying to find a job, it's not good.

Today was an okay day at class. I hate my bo kata- it can burn in Hell. I also hate the fact that I am studying the strikes and trying to do them correctly and cleanly with my bo, and Bailout who is also testing for ni-dan is still dancing around with her toothpick. And since she never tested fo sho-dan she is also cramming three more katas she ought to know by now into the review session just in case Head Honcho sensei asks for them. This is why as a 16 year old she had no business taking the same junior belt test as a 12 year old, especially since the only reason she took it in the first place was to get a black belt faster. Had she waited 6 more months to learn the extra stuff, she probably would have been better prepared. And got her nose bent. Not to mention, there would have been more review time for me.

I don't have any major gripe about Things 1and 2 testing for adult sho-dan. In my opinon, junior ni-dan and san-dan ranks are a frigging waste. However, it irritates me that these kids have had a dan test in something every year for the past four years, and every time that has happened, they have had their hands held the whole way. It's time to pay attention to someone else. The only joy I take out of this is knowing it'll be years before they test for sho-dan in aiki (knock on wood), and I will feel most vindicated if they ever quit to play high school football.

This next passage, I will dispense advice that I wish I could say, but can't. Bear with me, everyone:

• To Lurch. You're still a loser. Stay for the entire class, or don't come. Don't ask to get ranked this year either, please.
• To Bailout. I have told you sewveral times before not to grab onto a fist-full of the tori's gi when you are the uke, for the primary purpose of slowing down your descent. But you continue to do it anyway. Today in class you have done it to me at least 5 times, and I don't appreciate almost going face first into the floor just to avoid crushing you. The next time you do it, I will intentionally throw my elbow into your face so you can learn to take the fall like a grown-up, and not like a little bitch. Your health is not not more important than mine, sorry.
  
• Pesto. Practice your God-damn katas, and shut your mouth.
  
• Wheezy Kid- ....I'll come back to you.
• Snotball- The next time you say something completely racist or offensive, I'm gonna clean your mouth up. I'll make you get on your hands and knees and clean the dojo floor with a toothbrush. Then, I'm going to have you clean out the toilet with a paper towel and Comet, and if I'm feeling charitable that day I will give you gloves. If not, I will let you accidently rub Comet into your eyes when you go to wipe away those ridiculously frosted tresses of yours. You wanna run your mouth about people who don't understand, I'm going to give you the punishments you don't get at home.
• Foobar's mom- Your kid is not ready for black belt. Don't believe me, let's see who he fares with a punch from Mr. Spam, Semi, Batta, Big T, Sarge, ....etc.
• Sarge's Kid, Private- Your mom's an ex-military woman with previous martial arts experience and a grudge against men. If you wanna live to see your next birthday, you probably don't wanna piss her off. Just a heads up on that one, kid.
• to every person who swears they didn't learn something they needed for a belt test- as a former kyu ranked adult who was quite popular for never getting the stuff I needed for my rank, I will go completely out of my way- even if it means sacrificing my own practice time- to make sure it doesn't happen to you. If you dare say you weren't taught something to Head Sensei, I will kick you. In the nuts if you have them. And if they haven't dropped yet, I will pick you up by the feet, shake you hard until they do drop, and then kick them back into your body.
• Wheezy Kid....still not ready yet.
• Lil' Stein- child + other student with a weapon - the common sense of looking both way before crossing the floor = unconscious orange belt.
  
• The child who uses the last square of t.p.- I don't know who you are, but when I find you, I will explain to you why women between the ages of 12-50 need a roll of t.p. in the bathroom. And then, I will glue the new roll together just for you, just so you can appreciate the experience of an unusable t.p. roll. Yes, I am that elaborately vindictive- all because you are too lazy to get a roll out of the stock room, and put it on t.p. roller.
• Goth Kid- WAKE UP!
  
• Thing 1 and 2- Since you are professionals, let me give you professional advice. At some point, you will grow so big that your bodies will begin to feel the effects of your shitty warm-up routines. Cardio -> light stretching -> deeper stretching, not shitty jumping jacks -> splits -> one-move wazas for an hour.
  
• Wheezy Kid- For the past six years, I have tried my damned-est to figure out what exactly was wrong with you. I think I finally got it. You're a moron. That being said, I will give you the answer three of your most burning questions. 1) there is nothing up your nose but mucus and cilia. Possibly cartilage, if have a really fucked up septum. 2) yes, it is time for an eye doctor's visit- your eyes are really that bad. And yes, I know you can afford it. 3) Nobody cares about your St. Olaf stories. Ever.
  

An injury, and pet peeves

Well, this week has been tough. I haven't been to class in almost two weeks because of an avulsion fracture, which thankfully has just about healed. I have been passing the time finishing the ni-dan written test, which I still cannot bring myself to finish.It's probably laziness or some subconscious desire to poo-poo this entire ranking day.

I will attempt to exercise my demons by sharing my pet peeves and musings. Enjoy.

1) It's a bo or a staff-not a bo staff.
2) If you have been training for 20 years, I consider you a reasonable expert. If you have been training since you were 10 and/or you are now 13, than I don't value your opinon on anything. You're not even old enough to pay for your own stuff. Furthermore, if you set forth your argument in text speak, I am even more apt to consider you a moron.
3) If you study Korean martial arts, you do NOT study karate. No, it is not the same thing.
4) UFC is a sanctioned event with rules. Street fighting is a outdoor event with guns. You don't know how to do either.
5) People who say kata is useless usually suck at them. People who do creative forms on the other hand are usually good dancers with choreographers.
6) Put that weapon down. Now.
7) You cannot understand what a black belt is if you need your mother to tie it for you.

Semantically Speaking, we have a problem

I have problem. I have a problem with a Japanese-based system that does not make the effort use correct Japanese. Not that I think you have to be fluent to learn such a system, but if choose to put one together, then it's kinda nice to be. Don't you think?

We have forever snarked about Head Honcho sensei's spelling errors, as well as his inability to translate things correctly. Yet nobody attempts to change anything. Compounding the problem is the fact none of Head Honcho sensei's original student spoke Japanese at all, which meant for the five top students who opened their own school, there were five different pronunciations for everything. So, some 35+ years later, imagine how someone trained in Japanese language would respond to such linguistic debauchery. I always knew that Head Honcho sensei had problems in the translation department, but nothing could have prepared me for what I discovered this afternoon.

As I was researching kata for my written portion of my ni-dan test, came across Rohai-Dai, which in our book is translated to "crane on a rock". Of course, I knew this was wrong- a crane in Japanese is Tsuru. But herein lies a compounded fallacy, of which I will demonstrate in two parts- one, the difference in semantics for words pertaining to "bird", and two, the kata rohai versus the kata gankaku.

First off, the bird thing. If we were reference a non-particular bird on a rock as our kata name, we would use the word "tori"(鳥). However, just like in English, we may want to be specific about these things. A kata based on a dodo bird or a penguin, as humorous as it sounds, is not exactly what we want to be doing. No, we want to do a kata based on a graceful bird- a crane. We know that crane stance is "tsurashi dachi" (actually "crane foot stance") so it should stand to reason that, just from that piece of info, the word "rohai" is either a different word for the same bird (which I totally do not put past the Japanese) or it is a different bird entirely. Poking around this afternoon, I find that indeed it is a different bird. It's a heron. No, they aren't the same thing. I just looked it up to make sure :) So, Rohai- Dai as it is written in Japanese is 鷺大　(さぎーだい). And here is where things get really F'ed up. Other schools' translation for this kata is "vision of a heron/crane, major". Where is "vision"? No clue. If you Google Rohai-Dai, you will come up with such a kata...but it's not the one we call "crane on a rock". Not at all. We do a mis-mash that one and one more of which Rohai is the bastard son- Gankaku. What does "Gankaku" mean, by the way? Crane on a rock. GRRR!!!!

Now it is entirely possible that the kata's name morphed into the more popular Rohai- Dai name, just as Gankaku morphed from the name Chinto to sound less Chinese (something Funakoshi had done a lot when setting up modern karate as most of us know it today). I now for a fact that Sword Sensei did hardcore Goju before taking up our style, and Head Sensei in turn got a bit of training in Shotokan. So, knowing how kata is taught at my school, this what I theorize happened- Head Sensei starts Rohai-Dai with John Q. Student, and has to leave him to keep Sally Student from tearing down the walls. Sword Sensei comes along and says, "No, no! That's not it!" and finishes the kata with instruction on Gankaku. In fact, I can pinpoint the exact spot in this kata where Rohai-Dai turns into Gankaku. Add in review instruction from likes of someone like Happy Sensei who never reviews his katas and boom! A brand-new bastardized Rohai-Dai. In fact, lemme give it a proper name- "Shinseiji no Musuko no Kata de Tsurashi dachi" or "A Bastard son's kata with Crane Stances". I'm sure there's a grammar error in there somewhere, but, Hell? Nobody apparently cares about these things. So, anyway, John Q. Student teaches Sally Student and she teaches her little brother Lil' Bastard Student and so on.

It's not that I don't think Head Honcho Sensei didn't know. I don't think he cares. I think it would be too much effort at this point to change after forty years, or however long this particular kata has been in the system. Why to I assume this. Because for the past year or so I have been trying to help students learn to pronounce their vocabulary correctly, as well as learn a couple of key words so they don't have to memorize the whole damn book. I literally gave each kid a reference packet to help them study. Did any of them read it? No. Those lil' bastards do not care about what their kata means or where it came from! They just want their requirements for rank, and that's it.

On the bright side of this whole thing which has me down, I have learned that studying the kaji does give me some clue as to the kata itself. Not really the particular strokes in the kanji, but the readins themselves, lend me to interpret the kata different. For example, Gankaku is a crane, right? I see this kata to be taller and longer than Rohai Dai is, and hey- a Crane is taller than a Heron. Hmm...

A stupid spell out

Being punctual, humble, and patient.
Leaving nothing up to chance.
Asking for help when you need it.
Compassion for your fellow practitioners.
Keeping your focus.

Better yourself
Encouraging others to keep going.
Learning with your eyes and ears, not your mouth.
Taking nothing you've experienced for granted.
----------------------------------------------------

and my own snarky version,

Brats who think they are good.
Under-evaluating older kids capable of harder things.
Respect? Where?
Nagging parents wanting their kids ranked.
|
Obligatory three month ranking- even if people don't deserve it.
Utter disregard for someone else's needs.
Terrible aiki rolls from black belt students who should know better.

I'm bored....

Things have been quite complicated at the dojo. For starters, it seems like every class except iai is exploding with people. I just prefer to keep class small, but alas we are a business. It just annoys me. And then, there is the ranking thing.

I should feel more excited about getting ni-dan, but I don't. I wonder why. I guess it's because there isn't that much difference between dan ranks until you achieve a renshi title or something like that. And the "junior" ni-dan is just a joke. It's literally an extra 2 katas. I always thought it should be more about maturity than memorization. Wheezy Kid forgot ALL of his katas, and is trying to cram before his test. Likewise, Bailout is trying to cram 2+ years of maturity into one month before her ni-dan test. After much thought, although there are no real parameters for junior dan ranks, I can offer my own testing questions in determining whether or not a child is ready for black belt:

1. Can the child tie his own belt? (estimated age: 7 or 8) Foobar fails this one.
2. Have the child's balls dropped yet? (estimated age 11 or 12) Note: you can tell if they have by the pitch of the child's voice. If it sounds like the kid's been sucking helium, or if his voice operates on such a pitch that it alerts every dog in the neighborhood, the answer is no. Foobar and Wheezy Kid fail this one.
3. In the case of a female student, has she begun to wear makeup in such a way that she is NOT mistaken for either a whore or a raccoon (I dunno why a girl would bother wearing makeup to class at all, but that's besides the point)? Snotball fails this one.
4. When the kid does push-ups for warm-ups, do his/her arms actually bend so as to warrant a pushing up of the body at all? Too many people at class fail this one.
5. If the child is going for any dan rank above sho-dan, is he old enough to drive? If not quite yet, can he/she sit in the driver's seat of a car and actually see above the steering wheel? Thing 2 and Wheezy Kid fail this one.
6. Is the child able to put toilet paper, paper towels in the bathroom when they use the last sheet without being reminded to? Everyone fails this one.

I think these are basic, basic rules of responsibility and maturity. There's a lot more, but these are the concerns that pertain to our school. Also note, many adults don't have any sense of responsibility either. If I could have a school, I'd make every older kid have a part-time job so they, not their parents, pay for their weapons. Maybe then they would actually take care of them.

Feeling rather Roo lately...

This week has been quite interesting. I haven't slept very well, and Batta and I thought a vacation was in order, which it was. We went to NYC and I got some gifts in preparation for my aiki test, whenever that is. Today's class should be interesting.

Last week I gave the little ones a study guide to help them with their Japanese. It has occurred to me that the less time spent dicking around on easy stuff in class, the more time could be spent on Me...or Batta...or something useful. I've been spending a lot of time teaching, a very irksome thing when all the other black belts get to fart around all class working stuff they should be studying at home. What"s the use of barking at the kyu ranks to study when the black belts don't?

Head Sensei gave Bailout and I a written test for ni-dan, which for me is a joke because it's all "what's the history of our style?", which I know already. I know my katas' history, who created it, what the name means, how to write it in Japanese (and in some cases, Chinese) and Bailout knows...nothing. Because it hasn't occurred to her that she might wanna know these things being a teacher.

Testing this summer may prove to be a complicated affair. The things are testing for adult shodan and Wheezy Kid for junior ni-dan. I hope to God Head Honcho sensei doesn't do them all the same weekend. That would SUCK!

Can't Sleep, Juniors will Kill Me...

I have insomnia...again. I must get to class tomorrow morning! I cannot skip. Something of interest might actually happen!

I went with Batta to class on Tuesday, and as Head Sensei was late opening the door, we congregated outside. Stupid Foobar still has his mommy tie his belt before class. I can't remember how many times we told kids "DON'T wear your belts until you are in the dojo!", but do they listen? No. But anyway, Semi's friend (his whole family is in karate now- I am starting to think it's a cult) and Big T were talking about how they wished there was another aiki class, to which both Batta and I threw in our stipulation- one without kids.

The Tuesday crew is quite nice without Bailout there, which was one of the reasons that I avoided that class to begin with. It's mostly a family day- people who only come on Saturdays as well. Nice kids, no ego problems- except for a certain Italian kid I will Pesto, because if he's not careful, that's exactly what will be left of him. He's such a brat. I worked on my bo kata which I started before my love affair with Oar, and now I am forced to cheat on Oar for Bo if I ever wanna see my next rank. Truth be told, I could hardly care less.

Head Sensei is gearing up for a massive grading, both kyus and dans, and I can't say all of them are deserved. Wheezy kid is still an idiot who looks up his nose in the mirror every chance he gets, and Bailout due to leaving in a couple months has no use for ni-dan rank, especially since she didn't earn the last one. And then there's Thing 1 and 2. Thing 1 is almost 16 and therefore old enough to jump to adult rank. But Thing 2? He's still a half foot shorter, and 18 months younger. Would it kill him to wait? And don't even get me started on Foobar. That kid....ergh.

On Wednesday I scolded the kids out for being lazy bitches. Drinks, bathroom breaks in the span of an hour class (45 minutes, not counting warmups), dogging it when going be into line- my God, this isn't cheer leading! And just for the record, cheerleaders probably do better pushups. I showed them how they need to be throwing punches. I threw one stopping just short of Wheezy kid's face. Brown trousers on that kid.

If a child is to wear a black belt, and if Head Sensei is going to keep insisting to parents that there is not much difference between adult and child, then they need to get their asses in gear if they ever want any respect at all. Just my little rant for the day :)

Roo roo! It's the tournament! Part 2

Well, sorry for the wait. Much has gone on and it's been hard to sit down. Now that I am suffering from insomnia, here I am to finish.

I spent a lot of time on the bleachers this year as I was a black belt. I think this was more of an experience for Batta and Spam. Although I was busy judging for most of their competition, I did manage to see some of it. Batta did not drop his tonfa (woohoo!) and even got a compliment on his, er, my kata. Batta and Spam met a kid who thought he was Jesus, so from now on he will be referred to as such. Jesus apparently is well-versed in competition, having been around the world, so good at sparring, yadda yadda *yawn*. It is important to note Jesus didn't do much of anything.

There is always interesting people at the tourney. One of them was Naginata Girl, who this year brought nunchaku instead and placed fourth out of fifth. Must be getting into that 15-17 year old age group where people actually start having talent that got her- not her shity weapons skills, or anything. The two brownies I met last year were back in the same category- it must take a hell of a lot to get promoted to black belt at their school. They swept their rank. They also were thrown in with Batta at weapons, to which I was like "c'mon." But, that's what happens at a small tourney.

So it was extremely hot by the time black belt stuff started. I noticed that there was 2 women doing empty hand kata- one of them Bailout. I jumped in because...hey, it's a guaranteed medal. As I told Benevolent Matriarch/Dictator, I would be happy with a 5th place gumball. I truthfully did not know what kata I was doing to do as I even got up there before the judges. I selected Empi at the last second- the highest level kata I knew that I could do without royally fucking it up. No surprise, I got third, but the funny thing about it? I only scored a tenth behind Bailout, who sucked up Head Sensei's valuable time for weeks doing a kata that was too hard for her, and I pulled my kata completely out of my ass. Seriously, if I had actually worked that kata? The other girl won with a kata she'd obviously done before in competition.

Head Sensei and I talked about people like that- who do one kata for competition always. This is one instance I disagree with him. While I don't think it allows you to grow at all as a martial artist, for the purpose of competition when you rarely compete in the first place I don't think it'll kill ANYBODY to repeat a kata you did last year. I did, and I did well. For the little brats, I don't think they need new katas every year. They just cram and then forget it as soon as the competition's done. Yuck.

Enough rank. The next thing up was weapons. Bailout did what she is known best for and bailed out of the division. She claimed "trauma from last year", but I claim "I didn't practice it until right before the tournament." So it was me, same other girl who won, and the Benevolent Matriarch/Dictator. The same girl did a sai kata that was a mess, but still good. I did my eku kata. I saw out of the corner of my eye several black belts looking in wonder and horror- this is, by the way, the new kata needed for third Dan. But I digress. A lot of people (including a couple judges) were like "what the hell is that?". One of our blackbelts from another school looked at my oar and told me it was too light, which he is right. I would like an oar from Shureido...and maybe I'll get one eventually, when I can sell a kidney. I did alright- I finished it, which is a compliment in itself. And then B.M./D did tonfa and kicked both our asses. Thene there was a hold up with the scores, and we were all thinking the same thing "Please God, it's too hot for a tie breaking round! We'll share a gumball or something, just please don't make us do it again!" I got a silver, which I will gladly have.

After that, everyone was pretty strung out. We went out to eat and a sketchy diner and then many the journey home. A very slow journey home. In a hot car. With a whiny sister. And Oar.

Roo roo! It's the tournament! Part 1

Well, I haven't been writing too much for April recently, and it's because of a few things. Number one I was sick...again. I got a wicked infection that wouldn't allow me to swallow without pain. So I thought , well, so much for the tourney. And then I remembered how much time I spent married to my oar. Oh yes. We're a couple now. Plus I had this maniacal desire to watch Bailout drop her tonfa.

I started to recover on Friday, when with the help of nice weather I decided, what the hell? I'll go embarrass myself. So, this presented a bit of logistical problem. Never mind that Batta and I had been planning to go to this tournament for almost a year, yet this plan evolved into Batta and me going with Spam, Batta's mom and sister, and Oar. Oar and I got along just fine, but my ears and a fast compounding headache made the ride up and the back very...unpleasant. Yeah.

So we get there, and already I can tell this year is different. Head Honcho sensei has been ill, so he wasn't there for most of it. And there were far less people at the tourney than at past ones. It was also 85 degrees at 9 in the morning. We cooked on the bleachers, until I realized that it was 20 degrees hotter on the competition floor. Ick! I jumped to judge just to get off the bleachers, so as to not answer Batta's sisters' questions about "when is this over?" and "is pizza healthy?". Judging was actually a blast. I judged the under 10 self defense division, and boy, were they bad! This one group didn't understand what the difference between attacker and defender was (they were probably 5 at the oldest). We had to kick out this one dad who was coaching under the guise of using a video camera to get onto the floor. And there was this one kid with the craziest hair and voice ever. He probably got the silver just on his intro alone- "JUDGES....*breathes through teeth* mynameistommyiamfromglendaleschooliamgoingtoperformmy WAZZZZA!! Can I begin?" Worth every moment. The winners of that category were two brown belts who, frankly, weren't all that good but since they were twice the rank of everyone else, they should be winning. 10 year old brown belts- SO WRONG!

I next judged the over 35 white to orange kata division. It was mildly entertaining. There was this yellow belt Mom there that was one of "those" moms. She did her kata spiel like an over-coached beauty pageant contestant. It was blah. There was another guy who did a good heian godan. And then there was this guy who did Seisan. This kata I have not seen performed in almost 6 years, and it is one of my favorites. Despite being an "easy" kata, I think it is hard as fuck! In my first style, this kata was in the purple belt rank. He ended up winning by a slim margin over pageant mom, so I was happy with that.
Stay tuned for more info!

A Bail-out Nobody Wants

I'm renaming Doppelganger- she does not look like me anymore, nor is she particularly interesting anymore now that she thinks she is queen of the universe. I will call her by a name that suit her- Bailout. Why Bailout? Because when it is her turn to do something hard like teach warm ups or get thrown by a technique she doesn't like, she bails out. It was either that, or Tonfa Dropper. But that name could easily be confused with Wheezy Kid.

The class dynamic has been about the same- more yellows and orangies now, but just as many new white belts. I had no idea we had this many kids in our neighborhood. Perhaps our school is "recession proof"- or at the least, cheaper than daycare. We have a couple of white belts I will call Weebles, because they roll with so incredible ease compared to some upper belts I know. They are pretty decent listeners too. There's a group of yellow-bellies I call Pitbulls for their sparring skill. Other than that, Fubar is still useless, Snot and Snotshadow are still kinda "there", and the black belt children still suck. Not to worry- Sprinkles will kill them all :)

I haven't be writing much because I'm in the process of losing my job (they keep slicing my hours...excpet on Easter) and my jaw was messed up for three weeks. I was in horrible pain, and on ibuprofen which put me to sleep. That makes preparing for the tourney really hard. Never theless, I have been drilling the oar kata. It's been fun, and I think I'm headed in the right direction.

Because Wheezy Kid, in his Absolutely Amazing Blubber of Uselessness, has Broken my Spirit,,,

Because I cannot fathom how a kid got to be a black belt and still cannot chill out long enough to STAND AT ATTENTION AT THE END OF CLASS FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS...I leave you this riddle. What's small, and useless, and fits in my blender? Give up? It's:

KIDDIE BLACK BELT IN A BLENDER!!!!
*WU WUWUW-WOOOSH!*
...Oh, the screaming, and yet, I cannot stop pressing "frappe" :)

It's P45X, Beetches!

After deciding that the upper belt kiddies have gotten too soft with warm-ups, I decided to set a new standard. I remember when I was in school and had to do the physical fitness test, involving things like running a mile in under 12 minutes and doing 2 pull ups. The requirements for females were so ridiculously easy compared to males, that I could do the requirements in my sleep.Now granted, nobody except cross country kids like to run, and pull-ups just suck. However, the people that couldn't reach the fitness goals usually had a lot of excess weight or were asthmatic. By contrast, there is nothing wrong with these kids in our karate class. They are just lazy. A kid about 80 pounds should be able to do a push-up- this means you, Mr. Junior Brown Belt Foobar!

So in the interest of not wanting to sit through another 3 hour black belt test because these kids have no cardio and it takes forever for them to finish KATA of all things, I took it upon myself to run a warm-up that actually speeds up your heart rate for once. I call it "P45X"- a workout for little out-of-shape kiddies. Forty-five minutes of work- not barely stretching, not standing in line for half a class- pure karate work. I'm waiting to see how long this will take to get parents in an uproar.

The thing about this experiment is that the kids seem to cheat more the higher ranked they are. So, watch out black belts. You get P60X. :)

Roo, roo. A rather long rant.

I was going to put this chapter in my memoirs, but since a lot of things concerning this subject have been bothering me recently, it might be better served here:

Dear newly appointed black belts, sensei, sihing, sifu, etc.,
Never, never, EVER forget yourself as a white belt. It’s true- you may have sucked then. You may have been unskilled, unknowing (perhaps even uncoordinated). All the more reason to never forget- because while you were all of those things, you were also curious, teachable, eager to learn… These are good qualities in a student. It is when these qualities fade away with time and experience that you fall into trouble. As I have said repeatedly, “sensei” means “teacher”, and a good teacher can learn from his or her mistakes as well as refresh old material through teaching other students. A good teacher is, in fact, a student. And when a teacher stops learning by conscious choice, he or she ceases to be of use, and a black belt of no use is a travesty.

How can I convey to you my concerns for your well-being? Nobody said this would be easy, and everyone told you that your are only just beginning to learn your art when you hit black belt, but I wonder if you really appreciate what that means exactly. I will tell you how it’s been, the first 6 months of my karate sho-dan reign. Phase one- I am newly minted, feeling good (if a little run down still from the test) and all is well. Phase two- probably a day after my test, it occurs to me nothing has changed at all. A big let down from the high. I still have to teach as much as before, and I start nothing new. Phase three- I realize that my rank means nothing, and as I watch others the same rank as I hold their own so horrifically with teaching, I come to realize (although I have always known in some respect) that rank does not equal value. Phase four- I am left to my own devices more often than not, and it is frustrating. More teaching now, as I am hailed “a great teacher” and no longer really a student, which is all I ever wanted to be when I joined as a white belt. Phase five- I am here now. It is filled with uncertainty, exhaustion from the struggle to keep interested, and anger at my fellow sho-dans who are selfish in only thinking about ni-dan. This is all in the first six months of being a black belt.
What’s to be made of this? Well, number one, there is life after black belt. Rest assured. There are infinite numbers of forms to learn, and you can learn them all to your heart’s content if that’s what makes you happy. Or, you can have your own group of rugrats and create a mini-you army, if that’s your thing. The key to happiness is obscured. Ironically, it shows itself when you just don’t give a shit anymore and let thing be as they are. What makes me happy? My oar, teaching adults, watching Batta grow as a martial artist, and my sword (my favorite instrument which has been my meditation weapon of choice since practically day one)-these things keep me grounded.

Want to remember what it was like when things were simpler, and you had the freedom to screw up on things without anyone giving you a hard time? It’s easy. Remember yourself as a white belt. Take up a new art, or just a new weapon. Run through all your forms and see if you can do it without forgetting a step. Watch someone you love struggle through the beginner ranks. Whatever you do, be humbled. You will learn so much. Please don’t ever become that teacher whom nobody wants to be paired with, or that guy who everyone grumbles behind his or her back. Don’t become complacent with what you need for your next rank. The martial arts world doesn’t need you if you’re going to be like that. A lot of your black belt friends will quit soon. This may come as a shock, but the biggest attrition time in martial arts classes (not counting white belts that don’t stay) after brown belts being scared of the black belt test, is when new black belts quit a couple months after getting that black belt. Sure, you will say, “Won’t happen to me.” Don’t be so sure.

New black belts of all ages and styles, I implore you, if you want your black belt to mean anything, you must now earn that title. That’s right- getting the belt is the easy part. It’s the rest of your career you need to worry about now. Don’t fret though- as I tell all kids teaching others for the first time, “keep it simple, stupid!” Stupid, like a white belt. Good Luck.

Slapped in the Face with an Oar-shaped Reality

Well, here we are, attempting to do stuff for the tourney, which...as I say every year, I don't want to do, and I always end up doing it anyway. This year, I'm only entering two events- weapons and self defense. I don't care to do any more.

I am so tired with work and school, that martial arts hasn't been too on the forefront, despite te fact that I may or may not have an aiki test soon. I just don't care and I don't think anyone else does either. Today I worked with Batta for review, and I am not nearly where I should be. I really would like some help on this test, but I don't think I will get it any time soon. The aiki class is ballooning again, and karate is just too crowded.

The oar kata is fun, but a lot of work. I hope I will be able to be half-way competent with it for the tourney, considering I will be the first person ever in the system to do it at competition. It should be interesting to see how many dirty looks I get for this one.

Let's see...Sarge's kid got ranked, Sprinkles, Meatball...and that's all I really care about. Rankings smankings- Frankenstein's brother Lil' Stein almost got flatten by my eku, and again by two bos, by not watching where the hell he was going. Like his brother, he is an idiot. Frankenstein could not teach a Lemming to commit suicide. Sarge actually pleaded with me to take adults. I did kata work- *sigh* my katas are quickly running away from me. I forgot ichi-bo. Boo.

Penguins are indeed vicious ninja birds

Not much to write here. I have been sick and as a result, haven't been to class regularly. Work still sucks, and I am still waiting for a date for my aiki test. The dojo is cleaner though- thanks to the clean up day and a shoe rack from Spam, it actually looks like a decent place to train where you won't get allergic reactions. It remains to be seen how long this cleanliness will last. The floor is already nasty.

I'm juggling the idea of the tourney this year. As usual, I say I don't wanna go but something always makes me go anyway. I am not in a good position to compete this year, considering Jion isn't exactly a tournament kata, and neither is my bo kata I am working on. I just feel blah about the whole thing, really.

The Year of the Mama, and a clean dojo

It may be the year of Ox according to Chinese calendars, but at our school, Sarge has proclaimed it to be the year of the Mama. And so far, it is fulfilling that ideal. Sarge just had fun getting drunk in Pittsburgh, leaving her son to stay for clean up day.

I have to say, as I always do, I got way in over my head, but judging by the condition of the place when we started, cleaning day was overdue. The poor kids that got the storage are probably did the most work- the storage area is an unofficial changing room where decades of stuff has been piled into. It was covered in mold. Eww. Forget about the spike in allergies, that shit could have killed us. Thankfully, I had gloves and masks on hand. Batta braved the bathroom, and Spam took evidence of the fact that I actually managed to get kids to clean. The sad thing about it is, the older juniors are slower than shit! The 7 year-olds zipped through two mats in the time it took them to complete a side of one. And Meatball...ah, poor Meatball. His short stature and his OCD cleaning style meant that he was washing the same mirror for twenty minutes.

All in all, it wasn't bad. We toasted the occasion with sake and sprite, and that was it. Finally I can rest again...

Yuck.

I can't keep my joints together. This is what I have been thinking all week. I'm not sure if it's the stress of everything else in my life, or what, but my body is breaking down without fail. Josie fall down, go boom. Collagen Fail.
Right now that bad big toe is roaring its ugly head. I stubbed it today and now it's all puffy, blue, and sore. I suspect it is left over from June when I hyper-extended it during tai otoshi. I hate the fact that I can't heal. A couple days before, my hip started to hurt, and I had Batta performing a chiro adjustment in the middle of class, with sword weilding onlookers oogling the mirrors for a better look. How embarrassing! It remains to be seen whether or not my lighter weapons plan will actually work- still have to replace my sai and bo, but all in good time.
In an effort to cheer myse;f up, I am going to list things on here that I want to buy this year. Also, this may prevent me from buying other things I don't need, like...other martial arts stuff. :)

what I want for all 2009 holidays, including valentine's, easter, memorial day, birthday, cookie day, and such.

1) a bo case
- because I cannot carry this and look inconspicuous.
-It's also really hard to carry this and a sword case.

2) A jo
-because being an aiki student for 5+ years, i should probably have one of these, no? I mean 31 no Jo is a staple of almost all aiki schools. Except ours


3) this sweet weapons bag from Ronin
- I can stuff EVERYTHING into that. And, it has wheels! :)



4) a baby bulldog
-why not?

Out with the Old, in with the New- Betch-es!

Okay, so with the new year is new problems, Number one, I am broke, Number two, nobody wants to pull their weight anymore. Seriously, how hard is it to replace toilet paper in the bathroom? And how much effort does it take to pick up your own shit? I mean, really now. As the benevolent matriarch/dictator so heavenly put it- "I'm not your mother."

So what is one autistic and bored black belt with one screw loose from her job end up doing? Well, organize a school cleaning event, of course! Now I am in way, way, WAY over my head. Suffice to say, trying to get 50 people to agree to do anything on the same day is turning out to be crazy. But anyway, the bitches gotta clean. That's all there is to it. It's a wonder we all don't have sinus infections from the 4 inches of dust collecting on everything from bos that haven't left the school in 15 years, to jackets of kids that don't go here anymore. Bleh!

And, so it goes. Let's see what has happened since the last entry...Batta and Spam got ranked in karate. Doppelganger is now using tonfa and sucks at it. It's a really alarming thing when Wheezy Kid says, "Dude...I better get outta the way". What else? Oh, Doc gave me Lidocaine patches for my bad hip. Horray for pain management!

"The fairytale is over; welcome to real life!"

In many ways, this quote sums up all that was this past year- thinking that you're finally getting the hang of something, and then, it all screws you over.

A lot of things have happened since I left. Many are not too terribly surprising- Wheezy Kid throwing his tonfa repeatedly into the wall, Goth kid cutting the "nice new floor", etc. There have been some good things. Big T and his family came back. That was cool. Overall, this is what I call a "rebuilding year".

I've been trying to fight the negativity and roll with the punches as best I can. I've been going over a lot of new katas, and in the process, I'm actually starting to learn something. Some of the new katas include a bo kata, a tonfa kata, one empt hand kata, and a sword kata called Junto. I have been spending more time on karate thanks to my black belt test this year, and though it wasn't a total waste, I've let things go. I haven't worked sword as much as I've wanted to, and aiki...don't even get me started.

The biggest thing I've learned is that black belt really doesn't mean shit unless you have a big head about it (in which case, you being sucking). Doppelganger has developed a sassy mouth that will soon get her punched out by a ten year old in Japan, as she is going to study there. The problems I have with her are compounded by the fact that she actually thinks she's on par with the bigger students in class (because, clearly, rank is an ultimate indication of skill). The problem with this line of thought is she's a crybaby that can't do pushups or falls....kinda like....Wheezy Kid. So the battle continues over what a black belt actually should be, but I also know I can proscribe to higher pursuits than whining about getting tapped in sparring or being forced to do a proper pushup. My goal is to raise a whole bunch of yellow, orange, and green belts (and possibly a foxhound) that can kick all the kiddie's asses. Sweet, sweet revenge. Yum.

I'm going to set up some training goals for myself this year.

• I want to be able to do ten good pull-ups easily.

• I'd like to do 30 military pushups. Right now I can do 12 max.


• I want to practice with my sword at least 4 times a week, my bo 6 times a week, and my tonfa 3 times a week.


• I want to learn and polish the eku kata enough to take it to a tournament.


• I want to spar more with Batta.

And, as always, I have listed my New Year's Predictions:

• Most likely to quit in the coming year- Lurch


• Most likely to get a bitchslap from me- A girl that is related (kinda) to Thing 1 and 2, but instead of calling her Thing 3, I will call her Snotball.


• The people I'd like to see get ranked- Batta, yes, but also Sarge


• Coolest thing that could happen to the school- a massive cleanout of upper ranked children


• The winners of the "you still suck" award will be- Happy sensei, Wheezy Kid, etc.

I have named some new people these past few months; one of which I said was Snotball. She has a friend, I call her Snotshadow. This girl can't think for herself when Snotball isn't there, so hence the name. I have a kid I'll call Meatball...for obvious reasons. I actually like Meatball. He reminds me kids are supposed to have a soul. Then there is Sprinkles, Grumpy, and Lil' Stein (Frankenstein's brother)- al yellow-bellies at the moment. There's a new adult white belt which I will call Poofball, but don't honestly think she will stay. And then....there is Delusional Man. He thinks he is God's gift to martial arts, despite the fact he hasn't trained in 20 years. No nothing changes in that amount of time...like you're now 40...and slow...and overweight. We also have a VERY big guy in aiki...who I have mentioned before but rarely, as he is huge. He dwarfs Semi, so I have call him...what's bigger than a semi?...Cruiseship.

So that's basically it for now. Long entry, sorry. But you know, that's how I roll. Mmm, cookie batter rolls.

UPDATE ON RANK

iai

• ni-dan- me, Things 1 and 2

• sho-dan- Doc, Goth Kid


• san-kyu- Batta


• yonkyu- Spam


• mu- Delusional Man

aiki ( I have to remind myself what the hell is going on here, because I'm not sure ANYONE knows who ranks where)

• sho-dan- Benevolent Matriarch/Dictator

• Ikkyu- me


• ni-kyu- Goth Kid


• san kyu (?)- Semi


• yonkyu- Goofy (Semi's buddy), Sarge, Batta, Things 1 and 2


• mu- several kids who float in and out of the class when they feel like it

karate

• shodan- me and Doppleganger


• baby nidan ('cause, let's face it, a kid capable of "ni dan" level needs to be on an adult book) - Thing 1 and 2


• baby shodan- Frankenstein, Lurch, Wheezy Kid


• brown- (what the hell did I name that kid? how about...Foobar)


• Purple with stripe- Sarge's Kid


• Purple- Snotball and Snotshadow


• Green with Stripe- Little T


• Green- Big T, Goth kid


• Orange- Batta


• Yellow- Sprinkles, Lil' Stein, Grumpy, Meatball


• White- Spam, Delusional Man, Poofball, and (what the hell should I name Doppelganger's guy, hm? How about...) Pizza the Hut