We did it, koala.

It still doesn't seem real to me. And it wasn't the best test that I could have done. but it's done. I now have a black belt in karate. It's strange. Suddenly, I'm no longer that "kinda sensei"- that title belongs to Goth Kid now. I'm at the fork in the road.

I cannot say for sure what went through my head, and I have waited a couple of days to sort out my thoughts so I can reflect on the experience properly, but I can't I'm drawing a blank. It's if as this time, the shodan test meant less than my first one. I feel unfulfilled in a sense. Maybe it was because Batta and my dad didn't come (and neither did half of the people expected), or maybe it was because of my broken foot, but the whole experience feels unfinished. Was this the big moment in everyone's martial arts career? I hope not. I hope as everyone says, this is just the beginning, and there is more down the road. We shall see.

I guess the thing that concerns me is that I don't really feel proud of myself for the achievement that I worked so hard for. It makes me sad. It's over- it's not like I get a second stab at it, not that I'd want to. Collectively, I really do think I've earned this. It's been 4+ years of blood, sweat, sprains, obscenities, tears, agrravations, and bumbles to get to this point. I wish I could have done better- that's the thing, I guess. I wish a lot of thing had been different. But here I sit, hugging my Karate Koala which a friend of mine gave me when I started this journey, and I remember why this experience was so important. Given all of these setbacks, I have endured. And sometimes in life, that is the toughest thing to do. So I dedicate this experience to those who have helped me get there; all the people who taught me, who did it before, who never got to do it, who are going to do it. This is for you.

A much heartfelt thank you to: my Batta, Verizon Guy, the Applebee's guy (I forgive you for leaving a week after you hit this milestone.) my favorite mall music store worker (who was weeks away from this milestone- I hope you found the happiness and peace of mind in whatever you chose to do that you could not find in martial arts), The T family, Tank, Sarge, Cigarette Man, Wally, the Benevolent Matriarch/Dictator (to whom I credit my teaching style), Peanut, Doppleganger, Goth Kid, Skittles, Wheezy Kid, all the professional children I have ever taught, Beagle, Head Sensei, Head Honcho sensei, Sword Sensei, Short Sensei, Spam, Doc and Sneezy, certain two college people (who I blame for ALL of this martial arts stuff!), my teachers from college, my friend martial artists from chiro college (for keeping me sane), and yes, even you, Nerdverd (whereever you are) AND EVERYONE ELSE I HAVE EVER MENTIONED IN THIS BLOG.

THANK YOU.

Eep.

Well, here I am. It's 86 degrees, the same temp as it will be for my test. I'm tired, my foot aches, and I really want to get out of this house before I eat my fingers. Nothing more to say- it's gametime. The gifts are all done, the katas all but perfected. All I need to do today is check my nerves.

Bork! T minus 4 days...

I have had a very long summer. In spite of the fact I was crazy enough to be in school all summer, I also have been studying for my test, which is now just four days away. I revisit my question that I have asked myself- what does all of this mean? Is it the measurement of confidence, or just a stepping stone? No doubt, one black belt does little to change your abilities or competence as a teacher, but the moment that black piece of cloth goes on.... suddenly the whole rest of the world knows what you've worked for.

This time is different. My family is actually excited at the prospect of me getting a belt in an art they actually can explain to their friends. Is this the honor part of it? It's no secret that my family, nor the little karate kids understand or respect the fact that I am already at blackbelt level in iai. Now, when they say "sensei", they will actually mean it. As trivial as this is, I can't deny getting a certain amount of satisfaction with that.

This week I've been drilling katas, self defense, aiki, everything I need for my test. I get the sense that there is nothing more (besides conditioning) that I can do. And pray that my family will actually wake up on Saturday.

What's white, wears black and glasses, and looks like a chihuahua in a blender?

Give up? It's Wheezy Kid during jumping jacks! Who the fuck thinks it's a good idea to give a black belt to a kid who is not even coordinated enough to do a fucking jumping jack!?! I digress.

These past couple weeks have been taken up with finals at school, healing my foot, and trying to study for karate. To be honest, the closer I am to my test, the less interested I am getting for it. Perhaps it's stress or desensitation, or the fact that Thing 1 is reviewing aiki for my test that I taught him?!? Could be that. Or it could be I'm simply too tired to care.

Batta and I have ensnared a new mat (mat? No, I mean "uke") to come to class with us. For lack of any inspiration for what to call him, I shall call him Spam. We are teaching Spam the art of kumitachi, to which Batta is beginning to learn how to teach (small doses, Batta). It is fun- far more fun than being critiqued by little brats...or do I dare say, throwing them?....no, I take that back. It's more fun throwing kids. >:)

In other news, Sarge gave us a beautiful new table. It is already filled with Batta's notes and junk food. Long live finals regimine. Long live punting Wheezy Kid.