Roo.

I am really tired with everything that is going on at home and at the school. It is very, very frustrating to be in limbo. When I open my school, sometime 40+ years into the future (I should be paid off on all my college loans by then, right?) I will tell peopel exactly when their black belt tests are a year in advance. No more of this last minute shit.

I was told on Monday I would not be testing for ni-dan, only to be told on Wednesday that I will be after all. Yay...oh by the way, I will be testing in a week and a half. Joy. This getting jerked around for the past three months has really exhausted me- add to the fact I am getting injured a lot and I am trying to find a job, it's not good.

Today was an okay day at class. I hate my bo kata- it can burn in Hell. I also hate the fact that I am studying the strikes and trying to do them correctly and cleanly with my bo, and Bailout who is also testing for ni-dan is still dancing around with her toothpick. And since she never tested fo sho-dan she is also cramming three more katas she ought to know by now into the review session just in case Head Honcho sensei asks for them. This is why as a 16 year old she had no business taking the same junior belt test as a 12 year old, especially since the only reason she took it in the first place was to get a black belt faster. Had she waited 6 more months to learn the extra stuff, she probably would have been better prepared. And got her nose bent. Not to mention, there would have been more review time for me.

I don't have any major gripe about Things 1and 2 testing for adult sho-dan. In my opinon, junior ni-dan and san-dan ranks are a frigging waste. However, it irritates me that these kids have had a dan test in something every year for the past four years, and every time that has happened, they have had their hands held the whole way. It's time to pay attention to someone else. The only joy I take out of this is knowing it'll be years before they test for sho-dan in aiki (knock on wood), and I will feel most vindicated if they ever quit to play high school football.

This next passage, I will dispense advice that I wish I could say, but can't. Bear with me, everyone:

• To Lurch. You're still a loser. Stay for the entire class, or don't come. Don't ask to get ranked this year either, please.
• To Bailout. I have told you sewveral times before not to grab onto a fist-full of the tori's gi when you are the uke, for the primary purpose of slowing down your descent. But you continue to do it anyway. Today in class you have done it to me at least 5 times, and I don't appreciate almost going face first into the floor just to avoid crushing you. The next time you do it, I will intentionally throw my elbow into your face so you can learn to take the fall like a grown-up, and not like a little bitch. Your health is not not more important than mine, sorry.
  
• Pesto. Practice your God-damn katas, and shut your mouth.
  
• Wheezy Kid- ....I'll come back to you.
• Snotball- The next time you say something completely racist or offensive, I'm gonna clean your mouth up. I'll make you get on your hands and knees and clean the dojo floor with a toothbrush. Then, I'm going to have you clean out the toilet with a paper towel and Comet, and if I'm feeling charitable that day I will give you gloves. If not, I will let you accidently rub Comet into your eyes when you go to wipe away those ridiculously frosted tresses of yours. You wanna run your mouth about people who don't understand, I'm going to give you the punishments you don't get at home.
• Foobar's mom- Your kid is not ready for black belt. Don't believe me, let's see who he fares with a punch from Mr. Spam, Semi, Batta, Big T, Sarge, ....etc.
• Sarge's Kid, Private- Your mom's an ex-military woman with previous martial arts experience and a grudge against men. If you wanna live to see your next birthday, you probably don't wanna piss her off. Just a heads up on that one, kid.
• to every person who swears they didn't learn something they needed for a belt test- as a former kyu ranked adult who was quite popular for never getting the stuff I needed for my rank, I will go completely out of my way- even if it means sacrificing my own practice time- to make sure it doesn't happen to you. If you dare say you weren't taught something to Head Sensei, I will kick you. In the nuts if you have them. And if they haven't dropped yet, I will pick you up by the feet, shake you hard until they do drop, and then kick them back into your body.
• Wheezy Kid....still not ready yet.
• Lil' Stein- child + other student with a weapon - the common sense of looking both way before crossing the floor = unconscious orange belt.
  
• The child who uses the last square of t.p.- I don't know who you are, but when I find you, I will explain to you why women between the ages of 12-50 need a roll of t.p. in the bathroom. And then, I will glue the new roll together just for you, just so you can appreciate the experience of an unusable t.p. roll. Yes, I am that elaborately vindictive- all because you are too lazy to get a roll out of the stock room, and put it on t.p. roller.
• Goth Kid- WAKE UP!
  
• Thing 1 and 2- Since you are professionals, let me give you professional advice. At some point, you will grow so big that your bodies will begin to feel the effects of your shitty warm-up routines. Cardio -> light stretching -> deeper stretching, not shitty jumping jacks -> splits -> one-move wazas for an hour.
  
• Wheezy Kid- For the past six years, I have tried my damned-est to figure out what exactly was wrong with you. I think I finally got it. You're a moron. That being said, I will give you the answer three of your most burning questions. 1) there is nothing up your nose but mucus and cilia. Possibly cartilage, if have a really fucked up septum. 2) yes, it is time for an eye doctor's visit- your eyes are really that bad. And yes, I know you can afford it. 3) Nobody cares about your St. Olaf stories. Ever.