What the hell is an Ultimate Blackbelt?

Okay, so I am experiencing some anxiety with school and the black belt test coming up officially on Agust 23rd. With exactly 55 days left until my test, I have been snooping around the net and came across this: Test Requirements for Ultimate Blackbelt. The UBB program is, in my opinion, a pyramid scheme, since I don't think any self improvement program should stagnate your wallet. However, I think some of these requirements are a good idea....and some aren't. I'll list them here.

Physical Requirements

• 100,000 Push Ups and Crunches 50,000 each: 125 push-ups and 125 abdominal exercises a day – or if injured, an equivalent exercise. Okay, this I should be doing anyway. Gotta build up that cardio.

• 1000 Repetitions of a Single Form 2.5 reps a day for 395 days. Again, another thing I should be doing. This exercise would be good with Taikyoko Shodan, since that is literally the foundation (strong foundation= good house, right?)

• 1000 Rounds of Sparring2.5 rounds of any form of sparring a day for 395 days. Other than spar with Batta? Hmm. This is a toughy. Not only is my toe already fucked up but my choices of sparring (when I can, which is on Saturdays) is kids half my height. I think I will spar with Batta a couple times a week. It's all I have time (and sanity) for.

• 1000 Mile Walk/Run/Swim and/or Bike 2.5 miles a day for a year. I do this anyway. Next step.

• 100 Hours of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Mat Time – or EquivalentEach participant in the UBBT must complete 100 hours of Jiu-Jitsu mat time(approximately 2 hours per week). Ideally, each candidate would earn a blue belt or equivalent in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or equivalent. Hmm...neuro exam, or BJJ? Do you have to ask? Really, I would love to, and when I get out of this hell-hole known as chiro school, I will do that. The UBBT Grappling Coaches are David Meyer of Los Angeles, CA, BJ Penn of Hilo, Hawaii Sign me up! That's it. I'm going to transfer to school in Hawaii, and Cassio Werneck of Sacramento, CA, but candidates may use anyone (and there are a 1000 great instructors around the world) for instruction and ranking.

• 20 Hours with a Pro Boxing or Kick-Boxing Coach Ah, Batta is a boxer...sure, not professional, but it'll do and he certainly knows way more than me.

• 1 Reality-Based Self-Defense Course Each candidate must have training (no minimum time requirements) in a reality-based self-defense training program. Self-defense advisor to the UBBT is Bill Kipp. Tom Patire, Bill Kipp, Peyton Quinn, Geoff Thompson, and Tony Blauer all run programs acceptable for this requirement. Christ....I teach this shit. And in absolutely no circumstances, would I ever.....EVER fight a guy with a knife because I wanna keep my shitty wallet. I'll give him the wallet....there's no money in it anyway.

• 10 Public Testing PerformancesParticipants perform their final physical test performance (demo) in front of ten separate audiences, prior to the final UBBT event. Ah, again- issue with time. Technically, I do perform techniques in front of different audiences every 8 weeks- they're called midterms and finals.

• Complete the Full Body-For-Life Program (or equivalent)15 Minutes of Daily Meditation Written and/or Filmmaking RequirementsCustom Written Test RequirementsWeekly On-Line UBBT Journal Entries. Every UBBT participant is required to make a weekly journal entry Sweet! Done! on the UBBT web site Aww. A journal entry should be approximately 100 words long and chronicle the personal journey of each participant as he or she lives with the UBBT experience. Journal entries will be open to the public and may be used in articles or book projects.Oh shit. Good thing I used aliases.

• Achieving and Documenting 10 Personal Victories I wonder...1) go back to Japan 2) enter a food eating contest just once in my life 3) actually win a sparring event 4) actually enter a tournament that's not my school's 5)fit into size 6s again 6) adopt my own dog 7) move out of the dorms 8) get an A on...anything 9) pass all my classes this trimester 10) get my own car

• Team Requirements I'm not even gonna kid myself.

Additional Requirements

• 1000 Acts of Kindness- If these requirements were required for all blackbelts, I know a lot of blackbelts that should be stripped of their belts. I also know a lot of brownies that wouldn't pass. 2.5 acts of kindness a day equals 1000 acts in 12 months. All participants are required to perform and log 1000 acts of kindness. Seriously, if you have to log all your instances of kindness, you'd be...a desperate A student looking for things to put on his/her scholarship application. Whatever happened for kindness for kindness sake?

• 10,000 Acts of Kindness through Students and Community A UBBT participant must practice leadership skills in such a way as to inspire students and members of his or her community to engage in the acts of kindness program. I'm giving people that come to my test postcards as a thank you gift. I'm also the only person who's given (and will give) gifts of appreciation to my teachers for helping me. 10,000 acts of kindness in 13 months require approximately 25 acts of kindness a day for 13 months.

• Right One Wrong Each member of the program must “make right” one wrong they have done in their life. I skipped Gross Anatomy tutoring. I'm gonna go right it by going the second half of this trimester. The event to “right” is completely up to the tester. Testing for a black belt should be an experience that requires the participant to heal and mend issues and/or events from the past that, under different circumstances, he or she would have done differently.

• Mend One Relationship Gone Bad *sigh* do I have to be nice to Lazy girl?Every UBBT tester must mend one relationship during thetest that has been damaged by one or both of the parties involved.

• Profile 10 Living Heroes Each UBBT participant must search out and profile (in-person interviews are not required) 10 living heroes. The 10 heroes may not include family members, war heroes, or more than one student.Okay this I can do. It adds for good fodder to the blog, too.

• Memorize One Lengthy (100 words or more) Quote, Poem, or Piece that is Meaningful to YouThe quote “Mastery” is an example of a suitable piece –and participants may choose that one –or one that speaks to them. Done- The Jabberwocky. It speaks to me.

• “Mastery” can be found in the UBBT’s member’s only website.Seek Out a MasterEach candidate will be required to seek out one master (of any discipline in or out of the martial arts), conduct and interview and, if possible, study with him or her. What is this, Kill Bill?

• Empathy Training1 Day Blind, 1 Day Mute, and One Day in a Wheelchair I suppose falling sleep in Chiro. Research doesn't take care of the deaf and blind one...

• Reading Requirements and 4 other titles of your choice Awww....more reading??? *sniffle* After this trimester is over.

I hurt...boo.

I have a big toe sprain. On the left is a normal sized big toe. On the right is my sprained big toe. Notice that the sprained toe is 3x the size of the other one.Cool, right. So much for training.

Birthday Blackbelt?

So today was a productive day. I reviewed stuff for my test, did some throwing, and almost killed my big toe. Serious- it bent in two directions. Thank you, ligamentous laxity. Other than spraining my big toe off a tai-otoshi with Sarge, it was a good day. Batta got ranked in aiki, so he's no longer a bottom feeder in anything, and I got some badly needed training for my future ukes. It's a good thing...getting them away from the kids. Head Sensei says end of July is impossible, and so is beginning of August. I told him the end would be the best time, so it's looking like I have my black belt test on my birthday. Woot.

But Papa Smurf Always Says....

Nobody likes a Brainy Smurf. It seems like every institution of learning has one- you know, one of those kids who in grade school complains to the substitute teacher that she's not doing like the regular teacher, who grows up to be that guy on the assembly line who complains you're deviating from the manual even if the manual is a piece of crap? That's our Brainy Smurf, a freckled piece of useless brat who'd look real good upside down in a trash can.

In class on Saturday, Head Sensei reviewed him for rank. Batta and I are understandably peeved, but nobody listens to us anyway. I, meanwhile, had a review for the test, which...for some odd reason, keeps getting shorter. The time before, we got up to nijushiho, this time we got up to rohai-dai. Probably next class, I'll only review 27 movements. Bah! The good news is that Batta is now a yellow-belly, and joins Goth Kid and the other adult in yellow-bellied purgatory. I tell Batta not to be in a rush for orange, because Orangies are bad people. Take Brainy Smurf, for instance, who was an Orangie until Saturday. Now he's a dreaded Greenie. DEATH TO ALL GREENIES!

Oh, and by the way, Happy Sensei...

THIS IS THE HYPOGLOSSAL
THIS, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS NOT

Countdown to Hell

In my last entry, I referred to this time as purgatory. Now I'm starting to think this is a spiralling descent into Hell. Head Sensei gave me August as a tentative date, right after I am burnt out from school. So much for a vacation. He also told me that he doesn't have to prepare me as much as some other people...Lazy Girl, anyone?

Purgatory begins...

I always referred to waiting for blackbelt as purgatory, because you never know when you are going to be called up. So this is where I am in my karate training, waiting patiently for my test date. Head Sensei is giving me no clue, although there is an aiki clinic at the end of June. There is always a clinic, following a blackbelt test.

Doc will be testing for sho-dan in iai rather soon, and the Bevenvolent matriarch/dictator is working on sho-dan for aiki....if Head Honcho sensei doesn't change the book again. Other than that, nothing's going on, except for the fact that kids are pissing me off. Head Sensei asked sword sensei to review me, then he threw Lazy Girl into his care as well. SHE DOESN'T KNOW SHIT! She cheated off of me the whole time because she doesn't know vocabulary. She should never get to ikkyu- EVER. I expressed this view to Doppleganger and she agrees with me. I know...I'm just waiting...for them to ask me to help her with her junior rank aiki stuff that she should already know. Blah.

And there's this other kid....I call him Brainy Smurf because he butts in all the time with his innate (and wrong) knowledge. "Papa Smurf says...." I just wanna punch him and put him upside down in a trash can and watch his little size 5 feet kick in a fury of helplessness. Can't complain about rules when you're stuffed in a trash can. And then, there's Wheezy Kid. *sigh*....Not 5 minutes after Benevolent Matriarch/dictator told him to carry his bo correctly did he crash into the lobby divider. "Oops..." He says. Is there any room in that trash can?

One final note- I saw Big and Little T in the mall the other day. Big T is the same, but Little T is no longer little. He's taller than his father and looks like a beanpole with flowing blond hair like Leif Garrett. I miss those guys.