Friday, June 19, 2009

A Manic-Depressive Dan Ranking Eve

I am almost twelve hours away from my karate ni-dan test, and I am still feeling depressed about it. Not nervous, depressed. A lot has happened this week that has stressed me out, and worst part about it is that in the end, nothing has really changed.

After a blowout with family and friends over the weekend, I had another blowout at class. I was in a really bad mood, and didn't want to be bothered- but of course I was. Bailout and the Things were once again sucking up valuable class time with shit they ought to know by now; most notably they were reviewing the sai kata I needed for adult sho-dan. This is the same kata that was crammed for me because these three idiots were busy learning useless shit for competition. I hate sai, and I admit to not working them ever. I told Head sensei that I want to eventually actually learn sai movement, not the shitty kata just to get a rank. That was on Saturday. Fast forward to Monday- all three of them sucking up the floor with the sai kata in absolute fear that they will be called upon to do this kata. Here I am, busy with my own stuff and mumbling to myself that after three years, I still don't feel comfortable with a bo. Then head sensei asks to see my sai kata. I just lose it at that point.

It irritates me that these brats who have been shodan for at least two years (albeit junior sho-dan)and have had every opportunity to review this kata with Head sensei suck up his time now, of all times, because they are little grade-gouchers who don't learn anything unless it's for rank and promptly forget it. I'm actually trying to learn and maintain all of this information because I like to learn. So Head sensei takes me into his office and the chance to say all of this quickly slips away into a bumble of words that don't come out right. He attributes it to "nerves" amd I am dismissed. I have to "get my head on straight" he says.

FUCK!

I cannot describe to you the autistic frustrations that come with trying to defend yourself verbally. The only thing that gives me comfort is the prospect of either humilating Bailout at her test by doing everything better, or by embellishing an injury caused by her incompetence. I HATE TESTS. I especially hate when other people capable of a harder test get a softer one primarily because of their age or gender. It makes the school look really, really bad when that happens. I know I can't control what other people do, but I can control my feelings about it and who I direct it at. From this poitn on, I am declaring war on bratty little rich kids.

JUST BECAUSE MOMMY OR DADDY HAD ENOUGH DOUGH FOR YOU TO START KARATE AT A YOUNG AGE, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU GOOD! JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T QUIT IN 5 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE WORTH MY RESPECT! FURTHERMORE, YOU WILL NEVER BE AN ADULT BLACK BELT UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY CAN DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST AN ADULT, A FACT WHICH YOU WILL PROBABLY DISCOVER WHEN YOU PISS OFF THE WRONG COMMON PERSON AT COLLEGE THE MOMENT YOU OPEN YOUR RICH BITCH MOUTHS . GOOD RIDDANCE, YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT.

Now that that's take care of, I will try to breathe easy for the rest of this entry. So after karate, I was able to do some bo-bo kumite with Head sensei, despite my best efforts to sneak into iai class. It managed to get some of my aggression out, which is nice. I was actually having fun up until I felt my toes on my left foot roll over. POP, POP! So, I broke some toes or ligaments or something. My foot, although not swollen, is blue and tender, and I cannot flex my 2nd and 3rd toes. Every fucking time there is an important test, I hurt myself. I dunno if it was chanelled anger that broke my toes- some kind of subconsious wish to have an excuse not to do this test, but I think it might be a part of it. The other part of it is my body hates me.

Wednesday was pretty uneventful. I was left alone, which was exactly what I wanted, and I got to teach adults. In aiki, I got to teach a karate kid on aiki basics. He won't stay. So now I wait and wonder. Should I have told Head sensei I didn't want to test? I still really don't. I feel as though I am doing it more for my school than myself. If I am truly worthy, as he says, than what does that say about the state of the school if dumb people rank just as quickly?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Chickenchaku! or Numclucks!

This week was much improved over the past few sessions of class. Two aiki classes were great. We actually broke a sweat, and B.M/D and I agreed that it was similar to the way classes used to be. Damn, do I miss those days. They are actually starting to prime me up for sho-dan (finally!) and I am rather excited. I started this class about six years ago and I actually think I'm prepared to test. I've really missed enjoying aiki class.

Karate was okay today, too. Head Sensei went over my katas, told me I would be fine for the test, and we talked a bit about stuff. I missed that too. During my 100 time during the bo kata, I was witness to the horror that was Snotball and Snotshadow during knife defense. Any waza that ends with "Die, pig, die!" is rather subject to a head examination, in my opinion- not to mention that Snotball was holding the knife with her hand completely wrapped around the knife edge. *SIGH!*

Head sensei and I spent some time in iai class doing bo-bo kumite (I know, not iai, but I will take the help when I can get it). He told be I spar like a sword student (ha ha) and showed me some more tricks I can use. I spent the rest of the day studying Katori kata- Sa-ken, Nuki-uchi-no-ken, etc. I missed those kata so much! I have far too much to study. I blame Head Sensei.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Roo.

I am really tired with everything that is going on at home and at the school. It is very, very frustrating to be in limbo. When I open my school, sometime 40+ years into the future (I should be paid off on all my college loans by then, right?) I will tell peopel exactly when their black belt tests are a year in advance. No more of this last minute shit.

I was told on Monday I would not be testing for ni-dan, only to be told on Wednesday that I will be after all. Yay...oh by the way, I will be testing in a week and a half. Joy. This getting jerked around for the past three months has really exhausted me- add to the fact I am getting injured a lot and I am trying to find a job, it's not good.

Today was an okay day at class. I hate my bo kata- it can burn in Hell. I also hate the fact that I am studying the strikes and trying to do them correctly and cleanly with my bo, and Bailout who is also testing for ni-dan is still dancing around with her toothpick. And since she never tested fo sho-dan she is also cramming three more katas she ought to know by now into the review session just in case Head Honcho sensei asks for them. This is why as a 16 year old she had no business taking the same junior belt test as a 12 year old, especially since the only reason she took it in the first place was to get a black belt faster. Had she waited 6 more months to learn the extra stuff, she probably would have been better prepared. And got her nose bent. Not to mention, there would have been more review time for me.

I don't have any major gripe about Things 1and 2 testing for adult sho-dan. In my opinon, junior ni-dan and san-dan ranks are a frigging waste. However, it irritates me that these kids have had a dan test in something every year for the past four years, and every time that has happened, they have had their hands held the whole way. It's time to pay attention to someone else. The only joy I take out of this is knowing it'll be years before they test for sho-dan in aiki (knock on wood), and I will feel most vindicated if they ever quit to play high school football.

This next passage, I will dispense advice that I wish I could say, but can't. Bear with me, everyone:

  • To Lurch. You're still a loser. Stay for the entire class, or don't come. Don't ask to get ranked this year either, please.
  • To Bailout. I have told you sewveral times before not to grab onto a fist-full of the tori's gi when you are the uke, for the primary purpose of slowing down your descent. But you continue to do it anyway. Today in class you have done it to me at least 5 times, and I don't appreciate almost going face first into the floor just to avoid crushing you. The next time you do it, I will intentionally throw my elbow into your face so you can learn to take the fall like a grown-up, and not like a little bitch. Your health is not not more important than mine, sorry.
  • Pesto. Practice your God-damn katas, and shut your mouth.
  • Wheezy Kid- ....I'll come back to you.
  • Snotball- The next time you say something completely racist or offensive, I'm gonna clean your mouth up. I'll make you get on your hands and knees and clean the dojo floor with a toothbrush. Then, I'm going to have you clean out the toilet with a paper towel and Comet, and if I'm feeling charitable that day I will give you gloves. If not, I will let you accidently rub Comet into your eyes when you go to wipe away those ridiculously frosted tresses of yours. You wanna run your mouth about people who don't understand, I'm going to give you the punishments you don't get at home.
  • Foobar's mom- Your kid is not ready for black belt. Don't believe me, let's see who he fares with a punch from Mr. Spam, Semi, Batta, Big T, Sarge, ....etc.
  • Sarge's Kid, Private- Your mom's an ex-military woman with previous martial arts experience and a grudge against men. If you wanna live to see your next birthday, you probably don't wanna piss her off. Just a heads up on that one, kid.
  • to every person who swears they didn't learn something they needed for a belt test- as a former kyu ranked adult who was quite popular for never getting the stuff I needed for my rank, I will go completely out of my way- even if it means sacrificing my own practice time- to make sure it doesn't happen to you. If you dare say you weren't taught something to Head Sensei, I will kick you. In the nuts if you have them. And if they haven't dropped yet, I will pick you up by the feet, shake you hard until they do drop, and then kick them back into your body.
  • Wheezy Kid....still not ready yet.
  • Lil' Stein- child + other student with a weapon - the common sense of looking both way before crossing the floor = unconscious orange belt.
  • The child who uses the last square of t.p.- I don't know who you are, but when I find you, I will explain to you why women between the ages of 12-50 need a roll of t.p. in the bathroom. And then, I will glue the new roll together just for you, just so you can appreciate the experience of an unusable t.p. roll. Yes, I am that elaborately vindictive- all because you are too lazy to get a roll out of the stock room, and put it on t.p. roller.
  • Goth Kid- WAKE UP!
  • Thing 1 and 2- Since you are professionals, let me give you professional advice. At some point, you will grow so big that your bodies will begin to feel the effects of your shitty warm-up routines. Cardio -> light stretching -> deeper stretching, not shitty jumping jacks -> splits -> one-move wazas for an hour.
  • Wheezy Kid- For the past six years, I have tried my damned-est to figure out what exactly was wrong with you. I think I finally got it. You're a moron. That being said, I will give you the answer three of your most burning questions. 1) there is nothing up your nose but mucus and cilia. Possibly cartilage, if have a really fucked up septum. 2) yes, it is time for an eye doctor's visit- your eyes are really that bad. And yes, I know you can afford it. 3) Nobody cares about your St. Olaf stories. Ever.

Friday, June 05, 2009

An injury, and pet peeves

Well, this week has been tough. I haven't been to class in almost two weeks because of an avulsion fracture, which thankfully has just about healed. I have been passing the time finishing the ni-dan written test, which I still cannot bring myself to finish.It's probably laziness or some subconscious desire to poo-poo this entire ranking day.

I will attempt to exercise my demons by sharing my pet peeves and musings. Enjoy.

1) It's a bo or a staff-not a bo staff.
2) If you have been training for 20 years, I consider you a reasonable expert. If you have been training since you were 10 and/or you are now 13, than I don't value your opinon on anything. You're not even old enough to pay for your own stuff. Furthermore, if you set forth your argument in text speak, I am even more apt to consider you a moron.
3) If you study Korean martial arts, you do NOT study karate. No, it is not the same thing.
4) UFC is a sanctioned event with rules. Street fighting is a outdoor event with guns. You don't know how to do either.
5) People who say kata is useless usually suck at them. People who do creative forms on the other hand are usually good dancers with choreographers.
6) Put that weapon down. Now.
7) You cannot understand what a black belt is if you need your mother to tie it for you.