After a blowout with family and friends over the weekend, I had another blowout at class. I was in a really bad mood, and didn't want to be bothered- but of course I was. Bailout and the Things were once again sucking up valuable class time with shit they ought to know by now; most notably they were reviewing the sai kata I needed for adult sho-dan. This is the same kata that was crammed for me because these three idiots were busy learning useless shit for competition. I hate sai, and I admit to not working them ever. I told Head sensei that I want to eventually actually learn sai movement, not the shitty kata just to get a rank. That was on Saturday. Fast forward to Monday- all three of them sucking up the floor with the sai kata in absolute fear that they will be called upon to do this kata. Here I am, busy with my own stuff and mumbling to myself that after three years, I still don't feel comfortable with a bo. Then head sensei asks to see my sai kata. I just lose it at that point.
It irritates me that these brats who have been shodan for at least two years (albeit junior sho-dan)and have had every opportunity to review this kata with Head sensei suck up his time now, of all times, because they are little grade-gouchers who don't learn anything unless it's for rank and promptly forget it. I'm actually trying to learn and maintain all of this information because I like to learn. So Head sensei takes me into his office and the chance to say all of this quickly slips away into a bumble of words that don't come out right. He attributes it to "nerves" amd I am dismissed. I have to "get my head on straight" he says.
FUCK!
I cannot describe to you the autistic frustrations that come with trying to defend yourself verbally. The only thing that gives me comfort is the prospect of either humilating Bailout at her test by doing everything better, or by embellishing an injury caused by her incompetence. I HATE TESTS. I especially hate when other people capable of a harder test get a softer one primarily because of their age or gender. It makes the school look really, really bad when that happens. I know I can't control what other people do, but I can control my feelings about it and who I direct it at. From this poitn on, I am declaring war on bratty little rich kids.
JUST BECAUSE MOMMY OR DADDY HAD ENOUGH DOUGH FOR YOU TO START KARATE AT A YOUNG AGE, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU GOOD! JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T QUIT IN 5 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE WORTH MY RESPECT! FURTHERMORE, YOU WILL NEVER BE AN ADULT BLACK BELT UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY CAN DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST AN ADULT, A FACT WHICH YOU WILL PROBABLY DISCOVER WHEN YOU PISS OFF THE WRONG COMMON PERSON AT COLLEGE THE MOMENT YOU OPEN YOUR RICH BITCH MOUTHS . GOOD RIDDANCE, YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT.
Now that that's take care of, I will try to breathe easy for the rest of this entry. So after karate, I was able to do some bo-bo kumite with Head sensei, despite my best efforts to sneak into iai class. It managed to get some of my aggression out, which is nice. I was actually having fun up until I felt my toes on my left foot roll over. POP, POP! So, I broke some toes or ligaments or something. My foot, although not swollen, is blue and tender, and I cannot flex my 2nd and 3rd toes. Every fucking time there is an important test, I hurt myself. I dunno if it was chanelled anger that broke my toes- some kind of subconsious wish to have an excuse not to do this test, but I think it might be a part of it. The other part of it is my body hates me.
Wednesday was pretty uneventful. I was left alone, which was exactly what I wanted, and I got to teach adults. In aiki, I got to teach a karate kid on aiki basics. He won't stay. So now I wait and wonder. Should I have told Head sensei I didn't want to test? I still really don't. I feel as though I am doing it more for my school than myself. If I am truly worthy, as he says, than what does that say about the state of the school if dumb people rank just as quickly?
Wednesday was pretty uneventful. I was left alone, which was exactly what I wanted, and I got to teach adults. In aiki, I got to teach a karate kid on aiki basics. He won't stay. So now I wait and wonder. Should I have told Head sensei I didn't want to test? I still really don't. I feel as though I am doing it more for my school than myself. If I am truly worthy, as he says, than what does that say about the state of the school if dumb people rank just as quickly?
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