Roo...a lowly holiday from martial arts

Things have been a mess lately. I've been under a lot of stress. School has been kicking my butt. And my interest in martial arts has been really dampened because of it. It's been difficult to even do little things martial arts wise- I have working on Tekki Shodan, not a complicated kata, but I'm just not up to it. So this week I have missed class, and I am just trying to reflect on how I managed to get to this point.

This past weekend, we had a guy run a grappling clinic. The guy was shaped like a bulldog. I think it went way over most of our heads. It is hard to pass guard without knowing what guard is. If we do this again, I'd like to start with the defensive aspects, instead of trying to do a banana split on people that are afraid to rub up against each other.

That day, Applebee's Guy showed up with his dad. He gained some weight and looked old. I had to remind myself he's still two years younger than I am. I had to wonder if he was thinking where he would be right now if he were still with us. Were there any regrets?  Maybe he didn't miss it at all. I guess that's what's been really bothering me. I have been thinking about leaving this all behind recently. I still will do martial arts, but I want to be somewhere else. Roo.

Roo! An Aiki sho-dan

Sunday was....how do I put it? Hell. Yep, it was Hell. But for hte first time ever, we actually started on time. Foobar's test was a lot shorter than I thought it would be, primarily because he's so small, he only had a 3 uke line. So things flew. Thank God he knew his vocab, but I don't put any faith in him remembering anything or staying long enough for ni-dan.

The baby ni-dan tests.....I seriously might kill them all. Wheezy Kid STILL can't do a back fall, Lurch kicked a kid in the face (and can't roll out of throws), and Frankenstein still wrestles instead of using...I dunno ANYTHING we taught him to do. I can't stand them, and hope they all quit. Soon.

My karate ni-dan test was much longer than I thought it would be, and I didn't get any comments about it. I dunno if that's good or not. Goth kid tested for ni-dan, and that was pretty uneventful.And then my aiki test came about. It was long, tiring, painful, etc. It wasn't the big fanfare that I was hoping, and I was rather discouraged when most of my critiques came out of things that were Head Sensei's fault. Stupid bobbles in reishiki, etc. It all seemed to stem from the fact that every other school that teaches aiki does so 3x a week, while we teach 2 1/2hours a week total. Shit.

So pooped.

The non-stop rain has made it impossible to get outside to practice, so I have been doing whatever kata I can fit in a tiny enclosed space. My main conern this weekend is my aiki test and keeping healthy. I hurt my toes doing my idori- probably because I didn't warm them up properly.So I have to be really vigilant about what I do with the balls of my feet. Stupid toes.

I did make this belt rack (finally) that I have been meaning to do for 6 years now. It's alright.

Pit Bulls are not vicious creatures :)

So a lot has happened since my last entry. We finally got the the testing situations straightened out, and we are all testing next Sunday. This is gonna suck. But some good things happened too. While I was practicing my aiki and my physics face (>:p) this month, a lot of people started flooding the dojo. Ah, the mid-September rush.This means lots of new meat,er, ukes. A lot of people got ranked too. Goth Kid got ranked in aiki and karate, the older two Pitbulls got ranked aiki,  another one (the one who called me Stitch) in aiki, Snotball and Snotshadow got ranked in karate (although I stress that Snotshadow got it first) and Lil' Stein somehow managed to thwart Darwin and get his green belt.

So yes, lots of promotions. And for me, I think this next weekend will be my last with the school. My grades as of late are suffering, and so is my body. Taking three arts is fun , but not very smart for somebody whose body falls apart at a whim. If and when I move to chiro. school (again, this time out of state) I will let my martial arts take the brunt of my lack of time management skills and only study one for maybe twice a week for the couple of years I am in school.

Enough of that. Here is (how we think) next Sunday is going to go:

1. Foobar's baby sho-dan test
2. Frankenstein, Wheezy Kid, and Lurch test for baby ni-dan
3. My ni-dan test for karate (the adult version, dammit!)
   
4. (hopefully) some lunch
5. Goth Kid's ni-dan test
6. My aiki sho-dan test

So Yeah, long day. I am projecting I won't be getting over until maybe 8 o'clock. Head Honcho sensei is nuts.

Questions asked by 14 year olds online...and my answers

1. Who would win in a fight between (guy a) and (guy b)? The better guy. How about (wildlife) and (guy)? wild animal. What if (guy) had a gun? Guy with gun. What about (dead guy) and (other guy)? Other guy, because dead guy is DEAD. But what if (dead guy) was brought back to life in his prime? He'd probably have better things to do than fight a douchebag like...make crappy kids flicks and make shit loads of money (Jackie Chan...)Okay but what if (guy a) and (guy b) fought, and one of them had a gun? Well, provided that said gunholder can successfully use gun without blowing own face off, the gunholder.
2. Should I fight this guy? Um...no. But he totally disrespected me. And...And I wanna fight him. Well you've already made up your mind to get your ass kicked, so why are bothering to ask?
3.  Is (art) effective in street fights? First, lemme ask you a question; what do you think a street fight is? Do you even know? Unless you are currently located in the slums of an inner-city, living in a housing project run by drug lords and your momma wants you off the street at every night at dark to avoid being a stat in the city's homicide count, then DON'T FUCKING TELL ME, BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW, OR IF YOU DID YOU'D KNOW THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION! You wanna know what's 100% effective in street fights? Stay off the street.

 

Roo! A test date!

So finally after waiting...and waiting...and waiting, I finally found my test date for both aiki and karate. It will be the 26th of this month. I can't wait for it to be over. I feel ready. I have worked out all the bugs, and now it will be a battle to practice enough while juggling college.

For the last week I have been teaching a lot- mostly the upper belt juniors. I am trying to get them to hold themselves up to a different standard than that of an eight-year old child, but sometimes I think rich kids wanna be babies forever. Well, I know my rank sheet...clearly, that's all I need- or rather, want. It makes me wonder why so many of these same kids wanna do MMA. There's no ranks to be had. Oh, and by the way, MMA is not the same as hodj-podj. I'd like to tell that to the resident martial art mogul/idiot who opened up a children's MMA school out of a local bowling alley. *SSSIIIGGGHHHH!*

Okay, every once in a while, I like to write out my lists of pet peeves. So here goes:

1.  Children of the same rank and age rank the same. That one day of difference really doesn't matter. So if I catch another pair of same-ranked kids bumbling over each other to line up, I'm gonna punt 'em.
2.  You cannot learn new kata by watching. Ever.
3. Parents, stop dressing your kids. They needed that skill for kindergarten.
4. Sword sensei- little bites...little bites. Not whole sandwich. Not unless you're a hound.
5. If I see an unclaimed weapon, manual, or piece of sparring gear thrown carelessly onto the floor, I will follow the beagle property law- it's mine.
6. You are not above sweeping the floor...Snotball.
7. If class starts at 6, that means 6pm. Not roll out the changing room at 6. Not arrive at 6. Be dressed and ready to go AT 6.
   

Cute and Fluffy!

Today I was called by a friend "Stitch" for my ability do aiki rolls without a sound. He said, "Not calling you a little blue monster or anything." To which I replied, "But I am cute and fluffy." "Sure, he said without thinking. That was a nice moment. He got ranked today in karate. Aiki sensei came back from a long stretch away. That is very good. I hate having to lead class. Sarge and her kid have employed me for private lessons to get them ready for black belt. They are good students. I dunno how I will hold onto the "fun" of martial arts class now that I am going to school again. Ugh. We'll see.

Boring Summer

Nothing has happened really this summer. Batta is home for the summer break. A lot of people either quit or come once in a blue moon- I don't hold my breath that it will stay that way, though. Bailout left for Japan, where no doubt her world will come crashing down when she realizes she can't do half the things she thought she could. I can't wait to hear her complain about getting hit during her first round of shotokan full-contact sparring. We have been working very little iai. Sword sensei is sick, and Head sensei is busy with karate. Foobar, now t-minus 6 months to his black belt test, has suddenly figured out he's screwed. He has no self-defense skills, can't throw the kids closest to his size (all two of them), and the worst of all CAN'T READ HIS MANUAL! Apparently his mom has been reading it for him. It's past sad now. Oh, and after a 3 month hiatus, Wheezy Kid has made his triumphant return. Hasn't changed one bit. I might kill him.

Although I supposed to test for ni-dan this summer, that didn't happen. Head Honcho sensei was just too busy. Instead I will do both my aiki sho-dan and my karate ni-dan on the same date. Bah. It's been a fight to stay interested in martial arts, with all the adults checking out left and right.I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Summer of Schnauzer

I haven't been writing lately because I was in Austin, visiting my brother and his schnauzer. It was quite interesting, and I really enjoyed the time off. I came in to class Wednesday night, but wasn't feeling well. Hopefully, I will be back to my old self by Monday. I am trying to get my head together because I will be (supposedly) testing for my aiki sho-dan in a couple weeks. I'm still kinda bah about it, and my study buddy is busy studying for things that matter. It's times like this I wish I had a cute, cuddly schnauzer of my own. Squeak.

Unlikely Friends to a Martial Artist

1. Downy Wrinkle Releaser- for when you just don't have time to press your gi.
2. Moleskin- for stick-to-your-foot cushiness.
3. Febreeze- when you remember you forgot to wash your gi, and it's 10 minutes before class.
4. the perfect pushup bars- nice on your hands, and help you get in shape.
5. boxing hand wraps- better than "bag gloves"
6. travel sized nail clippers- for short nails as a common courtesy to your fellow gym mates
7. Rite Aid toe cushions- meant for bunions, they work as a surprisingly good toe splint, and did I mention they are cushy?
8. Sambo shoes- for those special sketchy-looking dojo floors/ petri dish for ringworm.
9. bleach + H20- hurray for disease control!
10. dollar store mesh laundry bag- for when $80 is simply too much to pay for to protect your gear.
11. Dixie Cups- why not?
12. Lidocaine patches- it lasts for 12 hours!
13. Travel size Tylenol- just because.
14. pens- because you always gotta write something down.
15. pilates weighted ball- because most kids wouldn't know the meaning of chi if it hit them in the face, a nylon weighted ball in their hands makes those shitty presses in their katas that they do a hell of a lot harder to accomplish.
16. cosmic brownies- when you're about to crash from low sugar levels
17. Tide pen- see #16.
18. tissues- because inevitably, your nose runs whenever some kid is tying up the bathroom.
19. a pocket calendar- for figuring out if you're working on training days.
20. more of #16 and 17.

The gut-wretching episode that was the UFC 100 dinner....and a bad batch of food

So my sister, Batta, and I went to the local dive bar that was showing UFC 100 after fruitlessly trying to get a seat at another dive bar where the food is slightly better and there was pie to be had. The last time we went there for a PPV, a fight broke out, so it wasn't a total loss. It was less crowded here, and the people actually looked like they were old enough to drink, not to mention they actually knew who was on the card that night.

And the food is...still haunting me. I was so hungry- literally waking up after a 2 hour nap just 20 minutes before we had to go, I was starving. And since none of us were beer drinkers, we had to order something we could milk for a whole PPV- onion rings, french fries, moz sticks...ever notice that food for fight watching would never be touched by self-respecting fighters? Anyways, so we ate and ate, watching the tv and discussing techniques we saw. There was a lot of nice things I saw- Akiyama's first win and how happy he was (even if the fight was kind of a draw), GSP's clinic on takedowns (the man is GOD), and Dan Henderson's elbow sandwich of Bisping's face...ouch. All of this was shattered by the circus that is Brock Lesnar, and a 24 hour bout with everything Pepto Bismol treats.

Baby Brock, as I like to call him, reminds me of one of those kids who got kicked off the football team for his inability to "play nice with others" , and now bitterly thinks the world owes him something. The thing that scares most martial artists, traditional or otherwise, is not his bad-boy persona, show-boating, or his lack of tact in show-boating (fingers, public declaration of wife-screwing, or otherwise), it's the fact that he's actually appealing to young kids as cool. That's exactly what we need- a ton of Brock wanna-bes with more boisterous behavior and less talent. It's a future many teachers fear will be for their Snotballs or Frankensteins if such behavior is rewarded. And another thing...what the hell are 10 year olds watching UFC for??? Really, bad parenting for the win, or what?

I don't want to encourage Baby Brock one way or another- he's an okay at-best martial artist (which is different from being a good fighter, which he is), and he's not that interesting as a "bad guy" if that's what he is going for (he wasn't that particularly interesting the first time he tried it in the WWE). So I will wait until it all blows over, which for guys like him always ends one of three ways; 1) he gets arrested 2) he gets fired or 3) he becomes a footnote by getting knocked out by someone with talent.

Weather the Storm

Today was very interesting day. Not only was it Tanabata today, but a MMA school opened just two doors down from us. I looked at the door at its stark emptiness (the school is a basement) and it just says "MMA". I have to admit, I turned my head in curiosity like a beagle. A year ago, I would not have considered such a thing happening- now, I'm not surprised. I immediately wondered who in this small town is qualified to teach such a thing. I wonder if it's one of those schools that teach you MMA like it's an actual "style". It should be interesting to see what happens with that place. I think we should do something to welcome them into the neighborhood, like... make them a fruitcake or something.

So I go in into school (and I normally do not go to Tuesday class, as I have said before) and I could not believe the debaughery that was going on there. Frankenstein trying to run warm-ups...and then Foobar running combos *stick fork in eye here* I CAN'T STAND KIDS! So where is Head sensei during all of this? Teaching Bailout how to use kama...and she kept dropping them. *sigh* MMA is tempting me...

So anyways, I am setting up my bamboo tree like I always do. This year, the holiday will be on Wednesday class, the more populated of the week, so a day late. I am feeling in need of a joyous occasion.

What happens when you hit a brick wall

I have extreme issues with what is going on with the school right now. But finally, as some sort of sun that has come out from parting clouds, I understand the problem that has haunted me for the past few months- it's not issues with my school. It's issues with my style. Period.

I'm gonna come out and say some really shocking things. Head Honcho sensei is an idiot, living among vultures who want to suck his style dry when he's gone. It is clear just by the way that aiki is run, that he has no clear vision with what he wants to do with aiki in general. Other head senseis will agree with every ADD-induced idea he has because they don't wanna make waves by suggesting that such ideas could be BAD. When I joined this style, there were no junior black belts, no hakama-wearing kyu ranks in aiki- belts in aiki!- and it took you a whole year to get your first rank in iai and aiki. All of this shit went down in the past three or so years, and I think it's largely due to Head Honcho sensei being sick and not taking care of his health. I don't doubt that the man is/was a great martial artist, but he is at best a disorganized mess. Sword sensei once expressed to me his worries about the future of this style when Head Honcho sensei passes away, and I believe after observing these changes and how other greedy people in the organization behave, that there will be none.

I think Head Sensei is well-meaning, but gets side-tracked easily. He is trying to teach 50+ people by himself, primarily because the black belts don't think they owe him a damn thing. He deals with the pushiest professional parents that I have ever seen, demanding to know when their kids will get ranked "so they can bring cameras." And the kids are so mouthy to us, to each other, to their own parents. But they get ranked.

Okay, enough bitching. I don't spit such things without at least offering how to fix them. I have been watching a lot of Trading Spouses recently, and although it's really hokey (you wouldn't wanna be married to either wife) , I like the rule change idea. Here is mine, for my school only. The rest of the style can sit on it.

NEW RULES

1. Classes will start on time.
2. If you miss the bowing in, you must do 25 pushups before asking for permission to join class.
   
3. No more belt testing fees. You pay for the belt when you earn it. That's it. No more three-four month wait either. If you earn it in two, good. If it takes you two years to be worthy, even better.
4. In exchange for # 3, students nor parents of students will not ask about getting ranked.
   
5. If you are more than 10 minutes late to class or have to leave class more than 10 minutes early, DON'T come to class.
   
6. Everyone must help with chores before practicing kata- whatever the chore chart says, you do. Sweep the floor. Stock the restroom. Wipe the mirrors.
   
7. You will not demand of your sensei to teach you new kata, especially when it is not in your rank.
   
8. Everyone warms up together.
   
9. Juniors teach juniors (with adult supervison). Adults teach adults.

Now that's out of my system, I will fill you in on what has happened. Obviously I did not test for ni-dan on the 20th, via some transportation problems which is another matter entirely. Howveer I am not too terribly broken up about it. In fact, I feel good. My foot is almost healed, and I have been concentrating on aiki. It's been fun throwing and been thrown again. And also Tanabata is coming up. Nothing like candy, green tea and dorayaki to brighten the mood. It feels good to not have to worry anymore. I kinda learn what I want to now. And the people I like, I hang with, and people I don't- screw 'em.

A Manic-Depressive Dan Ranking Eve

I am almost twelve hours away from my karate ni-dan test, and I am still feeling depressed about it. Not nervous, depressed. A lot has happened this week that has stressed me out, and worst part about it is that in the end, nothing has really changed.

After a blowout with family and friends over the weekend, I had another blowout at class. I was in a really bad mood, and didn't want to be bothered- but of course I was. Bailout and the Things were once again sucking up valuable class time with shit they ought to know by now; most notably they were reviewing the sai kata I needed for adult sho-dan. This is the same kata that was crammed for me because these three idiots were busy learning useless shit for competition. I hate sai, and I admit to not working them ever. I told Head sensei that I want to eventually actually learn sai movement, not the shitty kata just to get a rank. That was on Saturday. Fast forward to Monday- all three of them sucking up the floor with the sai kata in absolute fear that they will be called upon to do this kata. Here I am, busy with my own stuff and mumbling to myself that after three years, I still don't feel comfortable with a bo. Then head sensei asks to see my sai kata. I just lose it at that point.

It irritates me that these brats who have been shodan for at least two years (albeit junior sho-dan)and have had every opportunity to review this kata with Head sensei suck up his time now, of all times, because they are little grade-gouchers who don't learn anything unless it's for rank and promptly forget it. I'm actually trying to learn and maintain all of this information because I like to learn. So Head sensei takes me into his office and the chance to say all of this quickly slips away into a bumble of words that don't come out right. He attributes it to "nerves" amd I am dismissed. I have to "get my head on straight" he says.

FUCK!

I cannot describe to you the autistic frustrations that come with trying to defend yourself verbally. The only thing that gives me comfort is the prospect of either humilating Bailout at her test by doing everything better, or by embellishing an injury caused by her incompetence. I HATE TESTS. I especially hate when other people capable of a harder test get a softer one primarily because of their age or gender. It makes the school look really, really bad when that happens. I know I can't control what other people do, but I can control my feelings about it and who I direct it at. From this poitn on, I am declaring war on bratty little rich kids.

JUST BECAUSE MOMMY OR DADDY HAD ENOUGH DOUGH FOR YOU TO START KARATE AT A YOUNG AGE, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU GOOD! JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T QUIT IN 5 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE WORTH MY RESPECT! FURTHERMORE, YOU WILL NEVER BE AN ADULT BLACK BELT UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY CAN DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST AN ADULT, A FACT WHICH YOU WILL PROBABLY DISCOVER WHEN YOU PISS OFF THE WRONG COMMON PERSON AT COLLEGE THE MOMENT YOU OPEN YOUR RICH BITCH MOUTHS . GOOD RIDDANCE, YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT.

Now that that's take care of, I will try to breathe easy for the rest of this entry. So after karate, I was able to do some bo-bo kumite with Head sensei, despite my best efforts to sneak into iai class. It managed to get some of my aggression out, which is nice. I was actually having fun up until I felt my toes on my left foot roll over. POP, POP! So, I broke some toes or ligaments or something. My foot, although not swollen, is blue and tender, and I cannot flex my 2nd and 3rd toes. Every fucking time there is an important test, I hurt myself. I dunno if it was chanelled anger that broke my toes- some kind of subconsious wish to have an excuse not to do this test, but I think it might be a part of it. The other part of it is my body hates me.

Wednesday was pretty uneventful. I was left alone, which was exactly what I wanted, and I got to teach adults. In aiki, I got to teach a karate kid on aiki basics. He won't stay. So now I wait and wonder. Should I have told Head sensei I didn't want to test? I still really don't. I feel as though I am doing it more for my school than myself. If I am truly worthy, as he says, than what does that say about the state of the school if dumb people rank just as quickly?

Chickenchaku! or Numclucks!

This week was much improved over the past few sessions of class. Two aiki classes were great. We actually broke a sweat, and B.M/D and I agreed that it was similar to the way classes used to be. Damn, do I miss those days. They are actually starting to prime me up for sho-dan (finally!) and I am rather excited. I started this class about six years ago and I actually think I'm prepared to test. I've really missed enjoying aiki class.

Karate was okay today, too. Head Sensei went over my katas, told me I would be fine for the test, and we talked a bit about stuff. I missed that too. During my 100 time during the bo kata, I was witness to the horror that was Snotball and Snotshadow during knife defense. Any waza that ends with "Die, pig, die!" is rather subject to a head examination, in my opinion- not to mention that Snotball was holding the knife with her hand completely wrapped around the knife edge. *SIGH!*

Head sensei and I spent some time in iai class doing bo-bo kumite (I know, not iai, but I will take the help when I can get it). He told be I spar like a sword student (ha ha) and showed me some more tricks I can use. I spent the rest of the day studying Katori kata- Sa-ken, Nuki-uchi-no-ken, etc. I missed those kata so much! I have far too much to study. I blame Head Sensei.

Roo.

I am really tired with everything that is going on at home and at the school. It is very, very frustrating to be in limbo. When I open my school, sometime 40+ years into the future (I should be paid off on all my college loans by then, right?) I will tell peopel exactly when their black belt tests are a year in advance. No more of this last minute shit.

I was told on Monday I would not be testing for ni-dan, only to be told on Wednesday that I will be after all. Yay...oh by the way, I will be testing in a week and a half. Joy. This getting jerked around for the past three months has really exhausted me- add to the fact I am getting injured a lot and I am trying to find a job, it's not good.

Today was an okay day at class. I hate my bo kata- it can burn in Hell. I also hate the fact that I am studying the strikes and trying to do them correctly and cleanly with my bo, and Bailout who is also testing for ni-dan is still dancing around with her toothpick. And since she never tested fo sho-dan she is also cramming three more katas she ought to know by now into the review session just in case Head Honcho sensei asks for them. This is why as a 16 year old she had no business taking the same junior belt test as a 12 year old, especially since the only reason she took it in the first place was to get a black belt faster. Had she waited 6 more months to learn the extra stuff, she probably would have been better prepared. And got her nose bent. Not to mention, there would have been more review time for me.

I don't have any major gripe about Things 1and 2 testing for adult sho-dan. In my opinon, junior ni-dan and san-dan ranks are a frigging waste. However, it irritates me that these kids have had a dan test in something every year for the past four years, and every time that has happened, they have had their hands held the whole way. It's time to pay attention to someone else. The only joy I take out of this is knowing it'll be years before they test for sho-dan in aiki (knock on wood), and I will feel most vindicated if they ever quit to play high school football.

This next passage, I will dispense advice that I wish I could say, but can't. Bear with me, everyone:

• To Lurch. You're still a loser. Stay for the entire class, or don't come. Don't ask to get ranked this year either, please.
• To Bailout. I have told you sewveral times before not to grab onto a fist-full of the tori's gi when you are the uke, for the primary purpose of slowing down your descent. But you continue to do it anyway. Today in class you have done it to me at least 5 times, and I don't appreciate almost going face first into the floor just to avoid crushing you. The next time you do it, I will intentionally throw my elbow into your face so you can learn to take the fall like a grown-up, and not like a little bitch. Your health is not not more important than mine, sorry.
  
• Pesto. Practice your God-damn katas, and shut your mouth.
  
• Wheezy Kid- ....I'll come back to you.
• Snotball- The next time you say something completely racist or offensive, I'm gonna clean your mouth up. I'll make you get on your hands and knees and clean the dojo floor with a toothbrush. Then, I'm going to have you clean out the toilet with a paper towel and Comet, and if I'm feeling charitable that day I will give you gloves. If not, I will let you accidently rub Comet into your eyes when you go to wipe away those ridiculously frosted tresses of yours. You wanna run your mouth about people who don't understand, I'm going to give you the punishments you don't get at home.
• Foobar's mom- Your kid is not ready for black belt. Don't believe me, let's see who he fares with a punch from Mr. Spam, Semi, Batta, Big T, Sarge, ....etc.
• Sarge's Kid, Private- Your mom's an ex-military woman with previous martial arts experience and a grudge against men. If you wanna live to see your next birthday, you probably don't wanna piss her off. Just a heads up on that one, kid.
• to every person who swears they didn't learn something they needed for a belt test- as a former kyu ranked adult who was quite popular for never getting the stuff I needed for my rank, I will go completely out of my way- even if it means sacrificing my own practice time- to make sure it doesn't happen to you. If you dare say you weren't taught something to Head Sensei, I will kick you. In the nuts if you have them. And if they haven't dropped yet, I will pick you up by the feet, shake you hard until they do drop, and then kick them back into your body.
• Wheezy Kid....still not ready yet.
• Lil' Stein- child + other student with a weapon - the common sense of looking both way before crossing the floor = unconscious orange belt.
  
• The child who uses the last square of t.p.- I don't know who you are, but when I find you, I will explain to you why women between the ages of 12-50 need a roll of t.p. in the bathroom. And then, I will glue the new roll together just for you, just so you can appreciate the experience of an unusable t.p. roll. Yes, I am that elaborately vindictive- all because you are too lazy to get a roll out of the stock room, and put it on t.p. roller.
• Goth Kid- WAKE UP!
  
• Thing 1 and 2- Since you are professionals, let me give you professional advice. At some point, you will grow so big that your bodies will begin to feel the effects of your shitty warm-up routines. Cardio -> light stretching -> deeper stretching, not shitty jumping jacks -> splits -> one-move wazas for an hour.
  
• Wheezy Kid- For the past six years, I have tried my damned-est to figure out what exactly was wrong with you. I think I finally got it. You're a moron. That being said, I will give you the answer three of your most burning questions. 1) there is nothing up your nose but mucus and cilia. Possibly cartilage, if have a really fucked up septum. 2) yes, it is time for an eye doctor's visit- your eyes are really that bad. And yes, I know you can afford it. 3) Nobody cares about your St. Olaf stories. Ever.
  

An injury, and pet peeves

Well, this week has been tough. I haven't been to class in almost two weeks because of an avulsion fracture, which thankfully has just about healed. I have been passing the time finishing the ni-dan written test, which I still cannot bring myself to finish.It's probably laziness or some subconscious desire to poo-poo this entire ranking day.

I will attempt to exercise my demons by sharing my pet peeves and musings. Enjoy.

1) It's a bo or a staff-not a bo staff.
2) If you have been training for 20 years, I consider you a reasonable expert. If you have been training since you were 10 and/or you are now 13, than I don't value your opinon on anything. You're not even old enough to pay for your own stuff. Furthermore, if you set forth your argument in text speak, I am even more apt to consider you a moron.
3) If you study Korean martial arts, you do NOT study karate. No, it is not the same thing.
4) UFC is a sanctioned event with rules. Street fighting is a outdoor event with guns. You don't know how to do either.
5) People who say kata is useless usually suck at them. People who do creative forms on the other hand are usually good dancers with choreographers.
6) Put that weapon down. Now.
7) You cannot understand what a black belt is if you need your mother to tie it for you.

Semantically Speaking, we have a problem

I have problem. I have a problem with a Japanese-based system that does not make the effort use correct Japanese. Not that I think you have to be fluent to learn such a system, but if choose to put one together, then it's kinda nice to be. Don't you think?

We have forever snarked about Head Honcho sensei's spelling errors, as well as his inability to translate things correctly. Yet nobody attempts to change anything. Compounding the problem is the fact none of Head Honcho sensei's original student spoke Japanese at all, which meant for the five top students who opened their own school, there were five different pronunciations for everything. So, some 35+ years later, imagine how someone trained in Japanese language would respond to such linguistic debauchery. I always knew that Head Honcho sensei had problems in the translation department, but nothing could have prepared me for what I discovered this afternoon.

As I was researching kata for my written portion of my ni-dan test, came across Rohai-Dai, which in our book is translated to "crane on a rock". Of course, I knew this was wrong- a crane in Japanese is Tsuru. But herein lies a compounded fallacy, of which I will demonstrate in two parts- one, the difference in semantics for words pertaining to "bird", and two, the kata rohai versus the kata gankaku.

First off, the bird thing. If we were reference a non-particular bird on a rock as our kata name, we would use the word "tori"(鳥). However, just like in English, we may want to be specific about these things. A kata based on a dodo bird or a penguin, as humorous as it sounds, is not exactly what we want to be doing. No, we want to do a kata based on a graceful bird- a crane. We know that crane stance is "tsurashi dachi" (actually "crane foot stance") so it should stand to reason that, just from that piece of info, the word "rohai" is either a different word for the same bird (which I totally do not put past the Japanese) or it is a different bird entirely. Poking around this afternoon, I find that indeed it is a different bird. It's a heron. No, they aren't the same thing. I just looked it up to make sure :) So, Rohai- Dai as it is written in Japanese is 鷺大　(さぎーだい). And here is where things get really F'ed up. Other schools' translation for this kata is "vision of a heron/crane, major". Where is "vision"? No clue. If you Google Rohai-Dai, you will come up with such a kata...but it's not the one we call "crane on a rock". Not at all. We do a mis-mash that one and one more of which Rohai is the bastard son- Gankaku. What does "Gankaku" mean, by the way? Crane on a rock. GRRR!!!!

Now it is entirely possible that the kata's name morphed into the more popular Rohai- Dai name, just as Gankaku morphed from the name Chinto to sound less Chinese (something Funakoshi had done a lot when setting up modern karate as most of us know it today). I now for a fact that Sword Sensei did hardcore Goju before taking up our style, and Head Sensei in turn got a bit of training in Shotokan. So, knowing how kata is taught at my school, this what I theorize happened- Head Sensei starts Rohai-Dai with John Q. Student, and has to leave him to keep Sally Student from tearing down the walls. Sword Sensei comes along and says, "No, no! That's not it!" and finishes the kata with instruction on Gankaku. In fact, I can pinpoint the exact spot in this kata where Rohai-Dai turns into Gankaku. Add in review instruction from likes of someone like Happy Sensei who never reviews his katas and boom! A brand-new bastardized Rohai-Dai. In fact, lemme give it a proper name- "Shinseiji no Musuko no Kata de Tsurashi dachi" or "A Bastard son's kata with Crane Stances". I'm sure there's a grammar error in there somewhere, but, Hell? Nobody apparently cares about these things. So, anyway, John Q. Student teaches Sally Student and she teaches her little brother Lil' Bastard Student and so on.

It's not that I don't think Head Honcho Sensei didn't know. I don't think he cares. I think it would be too much effort at this point to change after forty years, or however long this particular kata has been in the system. Why to I assume this. Because for the past year or so I have been trying to help students learn to pronounce their vocabulary correctly, as well as learn a couple of key words so they don't have to memorize the whole damn book. I literally gave each kid a reference packet to help them study. Did any of them read it? No. Those lil' bastards do not care about what their kata means or where it came from! They just want their requirements for rank, and that's it.

On the bright side of this whole thing which has me down, I have learned that studying the kaji does give me some clue as to the kata itself. Not really the particular strokes in the kanji, but the readins themselves, lend me to interpret the kata different. For example, Gankaku is a crane, right? I see this kata to be taller and longer than Rohai Dai is, and hey- a Crane is taller than a Heron. Hmm...

A stupid spell out

Being punctual, humble, and patient.
Leaving nothing up to chance.
Asking for help when you need it.
Compassion for your fellow practitioners.
Keeping your focus.

Better yourself
Encouraging others to keep going.
Learning with your eyes and ears, not your mouth.
Taking nothing you've experienced for granted.
----------------------------------------------------

and my own snarky version,

Brats who think they are good.
Under-evaluating older kids capable of harder things.
Respect? Where?
Nagging parents wanting their kids ranked.
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Obligatory three month ranking- even if people don't deserve it.
Utter disregard for someone else's needs.
Terrible aiki rolls from black belt students who should know better.

I'm bored....

Things have been quite complicated at the dojo. For starters, it seems like every class except iai is exploding with people. I just prefer to keep class small, but alas we are a business. It just annoys me. And then, there is the ranking thing.

I should feel more excited about getting ni-dan, but I don't. I wonder why. I guess it's because there isn't that much difference between dan ranks until you achieve a renshi title or something like that. And the "junior" ni-dan is just a joke. It's literally an extra 2 katas. I always thought it should be more about maturity than memorization. Wheezy Kid forgot ALL of his katas, and is trying to cram before his test. Likewise, Bailout is trying to cram 2+ years of maturity into one month before her ni-dan test. After much thought, although there are no real parameters for junior dan ranks, I can offer my own testing questions in determining whether or not a child is ready for black belt:

1. Can the child tie his own belt? (estimated age: 7 or 8) Foobar fails this one.
2. Have the child's balls dropped yet? (estimated age 11 or 12) Note: you can tell if they have by the pitch of the child's voice. If it sounds like the kid's been sucking helium, or if his voice operates on such a pitch that it alerts every dog in the neighborhood, the answer is no. Foobar and Wheezy Kid fail this one.
3. In the case of a female student, has she begun to wear makeup in such a way that she is NOT mistaken for either a whore or a raccoon (I dunno why a girl would bother wearing makeup to class at all, but that's besides the point)? Snotball fails this one.
4. When the kid does push-ups for warm-ups, do his/her arms actually bend so as to warrant a pushing up of the body at all? Too many people at class fail this one.
5. If the child is going for any dan rank above sho-dan, is he old enough to drive? If not quite yet, can he/she sit in the driver's seat of a car and actually see above the steering wheel? Thing 2 and Wheezy Kid fail this one.
6. Is the child able to put toilet paper, paper towels in the bathroom when they use the last sheet without being reminded to? Everyone fails this one.

I think these are basic, basic rules of responsibility and maturity. There's a lot more, but these are the concerns that pertain to our school. Also note, many adults don't have any sense of responsibility either. If I could have a school, I'd make every older kid have a part-time job so they, not their parents, pay for their weapons. Maybe then they would actually take care of them.