An injury, and pet peeves

Well, this week has been tough. I haven't been to class in almost two weeks because of an avulsion fracture, which thankfully has just about healed. I have been passing the time finishing the ni-dan written test, which I still cannot bring myself to finish.It's probably laziness or some subconscious desire to poo-poo this entire ranking day.

I will attempt to exercise my demons by sharing my pet peeves and musings. Enjoy.

1) It's a bo or a staff-not a bo staff.
2) If you have been training for 20 years, I consider you a reasonable expert. If you have been training since you were 10 and/or you are now 13, than I don't value your opinon on anything. You're not even old enough to pay for your own stuff. Furthermore, if you set forth your argument in text speak, I am even more apt to consider you a moron.
3) If you study Korean martial arts, you do NOT study karate. No, it is not the same thing.
4) UFC is a sanctioned event with rules. Street fighting is a outdoor event with guns. You don't know how to do either.
5) People who say kata is useless usually suck at them. People who do creative forms on the other hand are usually good dancers with choreographers.
6) Put that weapon down. Now.
7) You cannot understand what a black belt is if you need your mother to tie it for you.

Semantically Speaking, we have a problem

I have problem. I have a problem with a Japanese-based system that does not make the effort use correct Japanese. Not that I think you have to be fluent to learn such a system, but if choose to put one together, then it's kinda nice to be. Don't you think?

We have forever snarked about Head Honcho sensei's spelling errors, as well as his inability to translate things correctly. Yet nobody attempts to change anything. Compounding the problem is the fact none of Head Honcho sensei's original student spoke Japanese at all, which meant for the five top students who opened their own school, there were five different pronunciations for everything. So, some 35+ years later, imagine how someone trained in Japanese language would respond to such linguistic debauchery. I always knew that Head Honcho sensei had problems in the translation department, but nothing could have prepared me for what I discovered this afternoon.

As I was researching kata for my written portion of my ni-dan test, came across Rohai-Dai, which in our book is translated to "crane on a rock". Of course, I knew this was wrong- a crane in Japanese is Tsuru. But herein lies a compounded fallacy, of which I will demonstrate in two parts- one, the difference in semantics for words pertaining to "bird", and two, the kata rohai versus the kata gankaku.

First off, the bird thing. If we were reference a non-particular bird on a rock as our kata name, we would use the word "tori"(鳥). However, just like in English, we may want to be specific about these things. A kata based on a dodo bird or a penguin, as humorous as it sounds, is not exactly what we want to be doing. No, we want to do a kata based on a graceful bird- a crane. We know that crane stance is "tsurashi dachi" (actually "crane foot stance") so it should stand to reason that, just from that piece of info, the word "rohai" is either a different word for the same bird (which I totally do not put past the Japanese) or it is a different bird entirely. Poking around this afternoon, I find that indeed it is a different bird. It's a heron. No, they aren't the same thing. I just looked it up to make sure :) So, Rohai- Dai as it is written in Japanese is 鷺大　(さぎーだい). And here is where things get really F'ed up. Other schools' translation for this kata is "vision of a heron/crane, major". Where is "vision"? No clue. If you Google Rohai-Dai, you will come up with such a kata...but it's not the one we call "crane on a rock". Not at all. We do a mis-mash that one and one more of which Rohai is the bastard son- Gankaku. What does "Gankaku" mean, by the way? Crane on a rock. GRRR!!!!

Now it is entirely possible that the kata's name morphed into the more popular Rohai- Dai name, just as Gankaku morphed from the name Chinto to sound less Chinese (something Funakoshi had done a lot when setting up modern karate as most of us know it today). I now for a fact that Sword Sensei did hardcore Goju before taking up our style, and Head Sensei in turn got a bit of training in Shotokan. So, knowing how kata is taught at my school, this what I theorize happened- Head Sensei starts Rohai-Dai with John Q. Student, and has to leave him to keep Sally Student from tearing down the walls. Sword Sensei comes along and says, "No, no! That's not it!" and finishes the kata with instruction on Gankaku. In fact, I can pinpoint the exact spot in this kata where Rohai-Dai turns into Gankaku. Add in review instruction from likes of someone like Happy Sensei who never reviews his katas and boom! A brand-new bastardized Rohai-Dai. In fact, lemme give it a proper name- "Shinseiji no Musuko no Kata de Tsurashi dachi" or "A Bastard son's kata with Crane Stances". I'm sure there's a grammar error in there somewhere, but, Hell? Nobody apparently cares about these things. So, anyway, John Q. Student teaches Sally Student and she teaches her little brother Lil' Bastard Student and so on.

It's not that I don't think Head Honcho Sensei didn't know. I don't think he cares. I think it would be too much effort at this point to change after forty years, or however long this particular kata has been in the system. Why to I assume this. Because for the past year or so I have been trying to help students learn to pronounce their vocabulary correctly, as well as learn a couple of key words so they don't have to memorize the whole damn book. I literally gave each kid a reference packet to help them study. Did any of them read it? No. Those lil' bastards do not care about what their kata means or where it came from! They just want their requirements for rank, and that's it.

On the bright side of this whole thing which has me down, I have learned that studying the kaji does give me some clue as to the kata itself. Not really the particular strokes in the kanji, but the readins themselves, lend me to interpret the kata different. For example, Gankaku is a crane, right? I see this kata to be taller and longer than Rohai Dai is, and hey- a Crane is taller than a Heron. Hmm...

A stupid spell out

Being punctual, humble, and patient.
Leaving nothing up to chance.
Asking for help when you need it.
Compassion for your fellow practitioners.
Keeping your focus.

Better yourself
Encouraging others to keep going.
Learning with your eyes and ears, not your mouth.
Taking nothing you've experienced for granted.
----------------------------------------------------

and my own snarky version,

Brats who think they are good.
Under-evaluating older kids capable of harder things.
Respect? Where?
Nagging parents wanting their kids ranked.
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Obligatory three month ranking- even if people don't deserve it.
Utter disregard for someone else's needs.
Terrible aiki rolls from black belt students who should know better.

I'm bored....

Things have been quite complicated at the dojo. For starters, it seems like every class except iai is exploding with people. I just prefer to keep class small, but alas we are a business. It just annoys me. And then, there is the ranking thing.

I should feel more excited about getting ni-dan, but I don't. I wonder why. I guess it's because there isn't that much difference between dan ranks until you achieve a renshi title or something like that. And the "junior" ni-dan is just a joke. It's literally an extra 2 katas. I always thought it should be more about maturity than memorization. Wheezy Kid forgot ALL of his katas, and is trying to cram before his test. Likewise, Bailout is trying to cram 2+ years of maturity into one month before her ni-dan test. After much thought, although there are no real parameters for junior dan ranks, I can offer my own testing questions in determining whether or not a child is ready for black belt:

1. Can the child tie his own belt? (estimated age: 7 or 8) Foobar fails this one.
2. Have the child's balls dropped yet? (estimated age 11 or 12) Note: you can tell if they have by the pitch of the child's voice. If it sounds like the kid's been sucking helium, or if his voice operates on such a pitch that it alerts every dog in the neighborhood, the answer is no. Foobar and Wheezy Kid fail this one.
3. In the case of a female student, has she begun to wear makeup in such a way that she is NOT mistaken for either a whore or a raccoon (I dunno why a girl would bother wearing makeup to class at all, but that's besides the point)? Snotball fails this one.
4. When the kid does push-ups for warm-ups, do his/her arms actually bend so as to warrant a pushing up of the body at all? Too many people at class fail this one.
5. If the child is going for any dan rank above sho-dan, is he old enough to drive? If not quite yet, can he/she sit in the driver's seat of a car and actually see above the steering wheel? Thing 2 and Wheezy Kid fail this one.
6. Is the child able to put toilet paper, paper towels in the bathroom when they use the last sheet without being reminded to? Everyone fails this one.

I think these are basic, basic rules of responsibility and maturity. There's a lot more, but these are the concerns that pertain to our school. Also note, many adults don't have any sense of responsibility either. If I could have a school, I'd make every older kid have a part-time job so they, not their parents, pay for their weapons. Maybe then they would actually take care of them.

Feeling rather Roo lately...

This week has been quite interesting. I haven't slept very well, and Batta and I thought a vacation was in order, which it was. We went to NYC and I got some gifts in preparation for my aiki test, whenever that is. Today's class should be interesting.

Last week I gave the little ones a study guide to help them with their Japanese. It has occurred to me that the less time spent dicking around on easy stuff in class, the more time could be spent on Me...or Batta...or something useful. I've been spending a lot of time teaching, a very irksome thing when all the other black belts get to fart around all class working stuff they should be studying at home. What"s the use of barking at the kyu ranks to study when the black belts don't?

Head Sensei gave Bailout and I a written test for ni-dan, which for me is a joke because it's all "what's the history of our style?", which I know already. I know my katas' history, who created it, what the name means, how to write it in Japanese (and in some cases, Chinese) and Bailout knows...nothing. Because it hasn't occurred to her that she might wanna know these things being a teacher.

Testing this summer may prove to be a complicated affair. The things are testing for adult shodan and Wheezy Kid for junior ni-dan. I hope to God Head Honcho sensei doesn't do them all the same weekend. That would SUCK!

Can't Sleep, Juniors will Kill Me...

I have insomnia...again. I must get to class tomorrow morning! I cannot skip. Something of interest might actually happen!

I went with Batta to class on Tuesday, and as Head Sensei was late opening the door, we congregated outside. Stupid Foobar still has his mommy tie his belt before class. I can't remember how many times we told kids "DON'T wear your belts until you are in the dojo!", but do they listen? No. But anyway, Semi's friend (his whole family is in karate now- I am starting to think it's a cult) and Big T were talking about how they wished there was another aiki class, to which both Batta and I threw in our stipulation- one without kids.

The Tuesday crew is quite nice without Bailout there, which was one of the reasons that I avoided that class to begin with. It's mostly a family day- people who only come on Saturdays as well. Nice kids, no ego problems- except for a certain Italian kid I will Pesto, because if he's not careful, that's exactly what will be left of him. He's such a brat. I worked on my bo kata which I started before my love affair with Oar, and now I am forced to cheat on Oar for Bo if I ever wanna see my next rank. Truth be told, I could hardly care less.

Head Sensei is gearing up for a massive grading, both kyus and dans, and I can't say all of them are deserved. Wheezy kid is still an idiot who looks up his nose in the mirror every chance he gets, and Bailout due to leaving in a couple months has no use for ni-dan rank, especially since she didn't earn the last one. And then there's Thing 1 and 2. Thing 1 is almost 16 and therefore old enough to jump to adult rank. But Thing 2? He's still a half foot shorter, and 18 months younger. Would it kill him to wait? And don't even get me started on Foobar. That kid....ergh.

On Wednesday I scolded the kids out for being lazy bitches. Drinks, bathroom breaks in the span of an hour class (45 minutes, not counting warmups), dogging it when going be into line- my God, this isn't cheer leading! And just for the record, cheerleaders probably do better pushups. I showed them how they need to be throwing punches. I threw one stopping just short of Wheezy kid's face. Brown trousers on that kid.

If a child is to wear a black belt, and if Head Sensei is going to keep insisting to parents that there is not much difference between adult and child, then they need to get their asses in gear if they ever want any respect at all. Just my little rant for the day :)

Roo roo! It's the tournament! Part 2

Well, sorry for the wait. Much has gone on and it's been hard to sit down. Now that I am suffering from insomnia, here I am to finish.

I spent a lot of time on the bleachers this year as I was a black belt. I think this was more of an experience for Batta and Spam. Although I was busy judging for most of their competition, I did manage to see some of it. Batta did not drop his tonfa (woohoo!) and even got a compliment on his, er, my kata. Batta and Spam met a kid who thought he was Jesus, so from now on he will be referred to as such. Jesus apparently is well-versed in competition, having been around the world, so good at sparring, yadda yadda *yawn*. It is important to note Jesus didn't do much of anything.

There is always interesting people at the tourney. One of them was Naginata Girl, who this year brought nunchaku instead and placed fourth out of fifth. Must be getting into that 15-17 year old age group where people actually start having talent that got her- not her shity weapons skills, or anything. The two brownies I met last year were back in the same category- it must take a hell of a lot to get promoted to black belt at their school. They swept their rank. They also were thrown in with Batta at weapons, to which I was like "c'mon." But, that's what happens at a small tourney.

So it was extremely hot by the time black belt stuff started. I noticed that there was 2 women doing empty hand kata- one of them Bailout. I jumped in because...hey, it's a guaranteed medal. As I told Benevolent Matriarch/Dictator, I would be happy with a 5th place gumball. I truthfully did not know what kata I was doing to do as I even got up there before the judges. I selected Empi at the last second- the highest level kata I knew that I could do without royally fucking it up. No surprise, I got third, but the funny thing about it? I only scored a tenth behind Bailout, who sucked up Head Sensei's valuable time for weeks doing a kata that was too hard for her, and I pulled my kata completely out of my ass. Seriously, if I had actually worked that kata? The other girl won with a kata she'd obviously done before in competition.

Head Sensei and I talked about people like that- who do one kata for competition always. This is one instance I disagree with him. While I don't think it allows you to grow at all as a martial artist, for the purpose of competition when you rarely compete in the first place I don't think it'll kill ANYBODY to repeat a kata you did last year. I did, and I did well. For the little brats, I don't think they need new katas every year. They just cram and then forget it as soon as the competition's done. Yuck.

Enough rank. The next thing up was weapons. Bailout did what she is known best for and bailed out of the division. She claimed "trauma from last year", but I claim "I didn't practice it until right before the tournament." So it was me, same other girl who won, and the Benevolent Matriarch/Dictator. The same girl did a sai kata that was a mess, but still good. I did my eku kata. I saw out of the corner of my eye several black belts looking in wonder and horror- this is, by the way, the new kata needed for third Dan. But I digress. A lot of people (including a couple judges) were like "what the hell is that?". One of our blackbelts from another school looked at my oar and told me it was too light, which he is right. I would like an oar from Shureido...and maybe I'll get one eventually, when I can sell a kidney. I did alright- I finished it, which is a compliment in itself. And then B.M./D did tonfa and kicked both our asses. Thene there was a hold up with the scores, and we were all thinking the same thing "Please God, it's too hot for a tie breaking round! We'll share a gumball or something, just please don't make us do it again!" I got a silver, which I will gladly have.

After that, everyone was pretty strung out. We went out to eat and a sketchy diner and then many the journey home. A very slow journey home. In a hot car. With a whiny sister. And Oar.

Roo roo! It's the tournament! Part 1

Well, I haven't been writing too much for April recently, and it's because of a few things. Number one I was sick...again. I got a wicked infection that wouldn't allow me to swallow without pain. So I thought , well, so much for the tourney. And then I remembered how much time I spent married to my oar. Oh yes. We're a couple now. Plus I had this maniacal desire to watch Bailout drop her tonfa.

I started to recover on Friday, when with the help of nice weather I decided, what the hell? I'll go embarrass myself. So, this presented a bit of logistical problem. Never mind that Batta and I had been planning to go to this tournament for almost a year, yet this plan evolved into Batta and me going with Spam, Batta's mom and sister, and Oar. Oar and I got along just fine, but my ears and a fast compounding headache made the ride up and the back very...unpleasant. Yeah.

So we get there, and already I can tell this year is different. Head Honcho sensei has been ill, so he wasn't there for most of it. And there were far less people at the tourney than at past ones. It was also 85 degrees at 9 in the morning. We cooked on the bleachers, until I realized that it was 20 degrees hotter on the competition floor. Ick! I jumped to judge just to get off the bleachers, so as to not answer Batta's sisters' questions about "when is this over?" and "is pizza healthy?". Judging was actually a blast. I judged the under 10 self defense division, and boy, were they bad! This one group didn't understand what the difference between attacker and defender was (they were probably 5 at the oldest). We had to kick out this one dad who was coaching under the guise of using a video camera to get onto the floor. And there was this one kid with the craziest hair and voice ever. He probably got the silver just on his intro alone- "JUDGES....*breathes through teeth* mynameistommyiamfromglendaleschooliamgoingtoperformmy WAZZZZA!! Can I begin?" Worth every moment. The winners of that category were two brown belts who, frankly, weren't all that good but since they were twice the rank of everyone else, they should be winning. 10 year old brown belts- SO WRONG!

I next judged the over 35 white to orange kata division. It was mildly entertaining. There was this yellow belt Mom there that was one of "those" moms. She did her kata spiel like an over-coached beauty pageant contestant. It was blah. There was another guy who did a good heian godan. And then there was this guy who did Seisan. This kata I have not seen performed in almost 6 years, and it is one of my favorites. Despite being an "easy" kata, I think it is hard as fuck! In my first style, this kata was in the purple belt rank. He ended up winning by a slim margin over pageant mom, so I was happy with that.
Stay tuned for more info!

A Bail-out Nobody Wants

I'm renaming Doppelganger- she does not look like me anymore, nor is she particularly interesting anymore now that she thinks she is queen of the universe. I will call her by a name that suit her- Bailout. Why Bailout? Because when it is her turn to do something hard like teach warm ups or get thrown by a technique she doesn't like, she bails out. It was either that, or Tonfa Dropper. But that name could easily be confused with Wheezy Kid.

The class dynamic has been about the same- more yellows and orangies now, but just as many new white belts. I had no idea we had this many kids in our neighborhood. Perhaps our school is "recession proof"- or at the least, cheaper than daycare. We have a couple of white belts I will call Weebles, because they roll with so incredible ease compared to some upper belts I know. They are pretty decent listeners too. There's a group of yellow-bellies I call Pitbulls for their sparring skill. Other than that, Fubar is still useless, Snot and Snotshadow are still kinda "there", and the black belt children still suck. Not to worry- Sprinkles will kill them all :)

I haven't be writing much because I'm in the process of losing my job (they keep slicing my hours...excpet on Easter) and my jaw was messed up for three weeks. I was in horrible pain, and on ibuprofen which put me to sleep. That makes preparing for the tourney really hard. Never theless, I have been drilling the oar kata. It's been fun, and I think I'm headed in the right direction.

Because Wheezy Kid, in his Absolutely Amazing Blubber of Uselessness, has Broken my Spirit,,,

Because I cannot fathom how a kid got to be a black belt and still cannot chill out long enough to STAND AT ATTENTION AT THE END OF CLASS FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS...I leave you this riddle. What's small, and useless, and fits in my blender? Give up? It's:

KIDDIE BLACK BELT IN A BLENDER!!!!
*WU WUWUW-WOOOSH!*
...Oh, the screaming, and yet, I cannot stop pressing "frappe" :)

It's P45X, Beetches!

After deciding that the upper belt kiddies have gotten too soft with warm-ups, I decided to set a new standard. I remember when I was in school and had to do the physical fitness test, involving things like running a mile in under 12 minutes and doing 2 pull ups. The requirements for females were so ridiculously easy compared to males, that I could do the requirements in my sleep.Now granted, nobody except cross country kids like to run, and pull-ups just suck. However, the people that couldn't reach the fitness goals usually had a lot of excess weight or were asthmatic. By contrast, there is nothing wrong with these kids in our karate class. They are just lazy. A kid about 80 pounds should be able to do a push-up- this means you, Mr. Junior Brown Belt Foobar!

So in the interest of not wanting to sit through another 3 hour black belt test because these kids have no cardio and it takes forever for them to finish KATA of all things, I took it upon myself to run a warm-up that actually speeds up your heart rate for once. I call it "P45X"- a workout for little out-of-shape kiddies. Forty-five minutes of work- not barely stretching, not standing in line for half a class- pure karate work. I'm waiting to see how long this will take to get parents in an uproar.

The thing about this experiment is that the kids seem to cheat more the higher ranked they are. So, watch out black belts. You get P60X. :)

Roo, roo. A rather long rant.

I was going to put this chapter in my memoirs, but since a lot of things concerning this subject have been bothering me recently, it might be better served here:

Dear newly appointed black belts, sensei, sihing, sifu, etc.,
Never, never, EVER forget yourself as a white belt. It’s true- you may have sucked then. You may have been unskilled, unknowing (perhaps even uncoordinated). All the more reason to never forget- because while you were all of those things, you were also curious, teachable, eager to learn… These are good qualities in a student. It is when these qualities fade away with time and experience that you fall into trouble. As I have said repeatedly, “sensei” means “teacher”, and a good teacher can learn from his or her mistakes as well as refresh old material through teaching other students. A good teacher is, in fact, a student. And when a teacher stops learning by conscious choice, he or she ceases to be of use, and a black belt of no use is a travesty.

How can I convey to you my concerns for your well-being? Nobody said this would be easy, and everyone told you that your are only just beginning to learn your art when you hit black belt, but I wonder if you really appreciate what that means exactly. I will tell you how it’s been, the first 6 months of my karate sho-dan reign. Phase one- I am newly minted, feeling good (if a little run down still from the test) and all is well. Phase two- probably a day after my test, it occurs to me nothing has changed at all. A big let down from the high. I still have to teach as much as before, and I start nothing new. Phase three- I realize that my rank means nothing, and as I watch others the same rank as I hold their own so horrifically with teaching, I come to realize (although I have always known in some respect) that rank does not equal value. Phase four- I am left to my own devices more often than not, and it is frustrating. More teaching now, as I am hailed “a great teacher” and no longer really a student, which is all I ever wanted to be when I joined as a white belt. Phase five- I am here now. It is filled with uncertainty, exhaustion from the struggle to keep interested, and anger at my fellow sho-dans who are selfish in only thinking about ni-dan. This is all in the first six months of being a black belt.
What’s to be made of this? Well, number one, there is life after black belt. Rest assured. There are infinite numbers of forms to learn, and you can learn them all to your heart’s content if that’s what makes you happy. Or, you can have your own group of rugrats and create a mini-you army, if that’s your thing. The key to happiness is obscured. Ironically, it shows itself when you just don’t give a shit anymore and let thing be as they are. What makes me happy? My oar, teaching adults, watching Batta grow as a martial artist, and my sword (my favorite instrument which has been my meditation weapon of choice since practically day one)-these things keep me grounded.

Want to remember what it was like when things were simpler, and you had the freedom to screw up on things without anyone giving you a hard time? It’s easy. Remember yourself as a white belt. Take up a new art, or just a new weapon. Run through all your forms and see if you can do it without forgetting a step. Watch someone you love struggle through the beginner ranks. Whatever you do, be humbled. You will learn so much. Please don’t ever become that teacher whom nobody wants to be paired with, or that guy who everyone grumbles behind his or her back. Don’t become complacent with what you need for your next rank. The martial arts world doesn’t need you if you’re going to be like that. A lot of your black belt friends will quit soon. This may come as a shock, but the biggest attrition time in martial arts classes (not counting white belts that don’t stay) after brown belts being scared of the black belt test, is when new black belts quit a couple months after getting that black belt. Sure, you will say, “Won’t happen to me.” Don’t be so sure.

New black belts of all ages and styles, I implore you, if you want your black belt to mean anything, you must now earn that title. That’s right- getting the belt is the easy part. It’s the rest of your career you need to worry about now. Don’t fret though- as I tell all kids teaching others for the first time, “keep it simple, stupid!” Stupid, like a white belt. Good Luck.

Slapped in the Face with an Oar-shaped Reality

Well, here we are, attempting to do stuff for the tourney, which...as I say every year, I don't want to do, and I always end up doing it anyway. This year, I'm only entering two events- weapons and self defense. I don't care to do any more.

I am so tired with work and school, that martial arts hasn't been too on the forefront, despite te fact that I may or may not have an aiki test soon. I just don't care and I don't think anyone else does either. Today I worked with Batta for review, and I am not nearly where I should be. I really would like some help on this test, but I don't think I will get it any time soon. The aiki class is ballooning again, and karate is just too crowded.

The oar kata is fun, but a lot of work. I hope I will be able to be half-way competent with it for the tourney, considering I will be the first person ever in the system to do it at competition. It should be interesting to see how many dirty looks I get for this one.

Let's see...Sarge's kid got ranked, Sprinkles, Meatball...and that's all I really care about. Rankings smankings- Frankenstein's brother Lil' Stein almost got flatten by my eku, and again by two bos, by not watching where the hell he was going. Like his brother, he is an idiot. Frankenstein could not teach a Lemming to commit suicide. Sarge actually pleaded with me to take adults. I did kata work- *sigh* my katas are quickly running away from me. I forgot ichi-bo. Boo.

Penguins are indeed vicious ninja birds

Not much to write here. I have been sick and as a result, haven't been to class regularly. Work still sucks, and I am still waiting for a date for my aiki test. The dojo is cleaner though- thanks to the clean up day and a shoe rack from Spam, it actually looks like a decent place to train where you won't get allergic reactions. It remains to be seen how long this cleanliness will last. The floor is already nasty.

I'm juggling the idea of the tourney this year. As usual, I say I don't wanna go but something always makes me go anyway. I am not in a good position to compete this year, considering Jion isn't exactly a tournament kata, and neither is my bo kata I am working on. I just feel blah about the whole thing, really.

The Year of the Mama, and a clean dojo

It may be the year of Ox according to Chinese calendars, but at our school, Sarge has proclaimed it to be the year of the Mama. And so far, it is fulfilling that ideal. Sarge just had fun getting drunk in Pittsburgh, leaving her son to stay for clean up day.

I have to say, as I always do, I got way in over my head, but judging by the condition of the place when we started, cleaning day was overdue. The poor kids that got the storage are probably did the most work- the storage area is an unofficial changing room where decades of stuff has been piled into. It was covered in mold. Eww. Forget about the spike in allergies, that shit could have killed us. Thankfully, I had gloves and masks on hand. Batta braved the bathroom, and Spam took evidence of the fact that I actually managed to get kids to clean. The sad thing about it is, the older juniors are slower than shit! The 7 year-olds zipped through two mats in the time it took them to complete a side of one. And Meatball...ah, poor Meatball. His short stature and his OCD cleaning style meant that he was washing the same mirror for twenty minutes.

All in all, it wasn't bad. We toasted the occasion with sake and sprite, and that was it. Finally I can rest again...

Yuck.

I can't keep my joints together. This is what I have been thinking all week. I'm not sure if it's the stress of everything else in my life, or what, but my body is breaking down without fail. Josie fall down, go boom. Collagen Fail.
Right now that bad big toe is roaring its ugly head. I stubbed it today and now it's all puffy, blue, and sore. I suspect it is left over from June when I hyper-extended it during tai otoshi. I hate the fact that I can't heal. A couple days before, my hip started to hurt, and I had Batta performing a chiro adjustment in the middle of class, with sword weilding onlookers oogling the mirrors for a better look. How embarrassing! It remains to be seen whether or not my lighter weapons plan will actually work- still have to replace my sai and bo, but all in good time.
In an effort to cheer myse;f up, I am going to list things on here that I want to buy this year. Also, this may prevent me from buying other things I don't need, like...other martial arts stuff. :)

what I want for all 2009 holidays, including valentine's, easter, memorial day, birthday, cookie day, and such.

1) a bo case
- because I cannot carry this and look inconspicuous.
-It's also really hard to carry this and a sword case.

2) A jo
-because being an aiki student for 5+ years, i should probably have one of these, no? I mean 31 no Jo is a staple of almost all aiki schools. Except ours


3) this sweet weapons bag from Ronin
- I can stuff EVERYTHING into that. And, it has wheels! :)



4) a baby bulldog
-why not?

Out with the Old, in with the New- Betch-es!

Okay, so with the new year is new problems, Number one, I am broke, Number two, nobody wants to pull their weight anymore. Seriously, how hard is it to replace toilet paper in the bathroom? And how much effort does it take to pick up your own shit? I mean, really now. As the benevolent matriarch/dictator so heavenly put it- "I'm not your mother."

So what is one autistic and bored black belt with one screw loose from her job end up doing? Well, organize a school cleaning event, of course! Now I am in way, way, WAY over my head. Suffice to say, trying to get 50 people to agree to do anything on the same day is turning out to be crazy. But anyway, the bitches gotta clean. That's all there is to it. It's a wonder we all don't have sinus infections from the 4 inches of dust collecting on everything from bos that haven't left the school in 15 years, to jackets of kids that don't go here anymore. Bleh!

And, so it goes. Let's see what has happened since the last entry...Batta and Spam got ranked in karate. Doppelganger is now using tonfa and sucks at it. It's a really alarming thing when Wheezy Kid says, "Dude...I better get outta the way". What else? Oh, Doc gave me Lidocaine patches for my bad hip. Horray for pain management!

"The fairytale is over; welcome to real life!"

In many ways, this quote sums up all that was this past year- thinking that you're finally getting the hang of something, and then, it all screws you over.

A lot of things have happened since I left. Many are not too terribly surprising- Wheezy Kid throwing his tonfa repeatedly into the wall, Goth kid cutting the "nice new floor", etc. There have been some good things. Big T and his family came back. That was cool. Overall, this is what I call a "rebuilding year".

I've been trying to fight the negativity and roll with the punches as best I can. I've been going over a lot of new katas, and in the process, I'm actually starting to learn something. Some of the new katas include a bo kata, a tonfa kata, one empt hand kata, and a sword kata called Junto. I have been spending more time on karate thanks to my black belt test this year, and though it wasn't a total waste, I've let things go. I haven't worked sword as much as I've wanted to, and aiki...don't even get me started.

The biggest thing I've learned is that black belt really doesn't mean shit unless you have a big head about it (in which case, you being sucking). Doppelganger has developed a sassy mouth that will soon get her punched out by a ten year old in Japan, as she is going to study there. The problems I have with her are compounded by the fact that she actually thinks she's on par with the bigger students in class (because, clearly, rank is an ultimate indication of skill). The problem with this line of thought is she's a crybaby that can't do pushups or falls....kinda like....Wheezy Kid. So the battle continues over what a black belt actually should be, but I also know I can proscribe to higher pursuits than whining about getting tapped in sparring or being forced to do a proper pushup. My goal is to raise a whole bunch of yellow, orange, and green belts (and possibly a foxhound) that can kick all the kiddie's asses. Sweet, sweet revenge. Yum.

I'm going to set up some training goals for myself this year.

• I want to be able to do ten good pull-ups easily.

• I'd like to do 30 military pushups. Right now I can do 12 max.


• I want to practice with my sword at least 4 times a week, my bo 6 times a week, and my tonfa 3 times a week.


• I want to learn and polish the eku kata enough to take it to a tournament.


• I want to spar more with Batta.

And, as always, I have listed my New Year's Predictions:

• Most likely to quit in the coming year- Lurch


• Most likely to get a bitchslap from me- A girl that is related (kinda) to Thing 1 and 2, but instead of calling her Thing 3, I will call her Snotball.


• The people I'd like to see get ranked- Batta, yes, but also Sarge


• Coolest thing that could happen to the school- a massive cleanout of upper ranked children


• The winners of the "you still suck" award will be- Happy sensei, Wheezy Kid, etc.

I have named some new people these past few months; one of which I said was Snotball. She has a friend, I call her Snotshadow. This girl can't think for herself when Snotball isn't there, so hence the name. I have a kid I'll call Meatball...for obvious reasons. I actually like Meatball. He reminds me kids are supposed to have a soul. Then there is Sprinkles, Grumpy, and Lil' Stein (Frankenstein's brother)- al yellow-bellies at the moment. There's a new adult white belt which I will call Poofball, but don't honestly think she will stay. And then....there is Delusional Man. He thinks he is God's gift to martial arts, despite the fact he hasn't trained in 20 years. No nothing changes in that amount of time...like you're now 40...and slow...and overweight. We also have a VERY big guy in aiki...who I have mentioned before but rarely, as he is huge. He dwarfs Semi, so I have call him...what's bigger than a semi?...Cruiseship.

So that's basically it for now. Long entry, sorry. But you know, that's how I roll. Mmm, cookie batter rolls.

UPDATE ON RANK

iai

• ni-dan- me, Things 1 and 2

• sho-dan- Doc, Goth Kid


• san-kyu- Batta


• yonkyu- Spam


• mu- Delusional Man

aiki ( I have to remind myself what the hell is going on here, because I'm not sure ANYONE knows who ranks where)

• sho-dan- Benevolent Matriarch/Dictator

• Ikkyu- me


• ni-kyu- Goth Kid


• san kyu (?)- Semi


• yonkyu- Goofy (Semi's buddy), Sarge, Batta, Things 1 and 2


• mu- several kids who float in and out of the class when they feel like it

karate

• shodan- me and Doppleganger


• baby nidan ('cause, let's face it, a kid capable of "ni dan" level needs to be on an adult book) - Thing 1 and 2


• baby shodan- Frankenstein, Lurch, Wheezy Kid


• brown- (what the hell did I name that kid? how about...Foobar)


• Purple with stripe- Sarge's Kid


• Purple- Snotball and Snotshadow


• Green with Stripe- Little T


• Green- Big T, Goth kid


• Orange- Batta


• Yellow- Sprinkles, Lil' Stein, Grumpy, Meatball


• White- Spam, Delusional Man, Poofball, and (what the hell should I name Doppelganger's guy, hm? How about...) Pizza the Hut

RETURN OF THE KUKI!

Hello everyone,
I didn't know until recently people actually read this blog. Some of you asked what happened, and I wanted to say that I really didn't want to stop writing in the first place. Since achieving black belt, I wanted to take some time off to reflect on things as well as get my personal life back in order. I'm dropping this note to you to say that "The Ancient Art of Kuki-Do" will be back January 2009. Until then, entertain yourself with with my memoir-in-progress, "Memoirs of a Cookie".
Thanks for reading,
J.

Bork? The End of Kuki-Do?

I have started a new project to coincide with the new chapter in my martial arts life. I'm starting on a memoir. Not sure yet if my life is worth reading, but it's more of a cathartic process for me. It'll be good to see how far I've come over these past few years.

Until something big happens, or unless there is something horrifically amusing to share, I probably won't be writing in here for a while. I want time to change my outlook, so to speak, which as of now isn't so positive. If you are interested in the meantime, I am posting my rough draft of Memoirs of a Cookie- a martial arts story. I provided the link at the bottom left. Enjoy. And not to fear. This isn't the end. It is only the beginning...of more cookies.