God, help me.

There is this kid, who- for purposes of avoiding getting sued- I will leave nameless. He joined our class not too long ago, with a gi he had previously bought for who knows what reason (probably cosplay). He also has this black bokken, which looks like it was terribly soaked in cheap paint, that he thinks is cool. These two things bothered me the moment I met him. Now, what kid already has a hakama and gi set that they spend $90+ dollars on, and it's not even the right color? We wear black, he wears blue. And his bokken is the tackiest piece of shit I have ever seen. It's just not right...a black bokken. I thought that in enough was strange. Then, he found out I went to Japan, and his eyes turned into dinnerplates.
By the way, I have to explain to you what this guy reminds me of. He reminds me of an "urkel meets DND Dungeonmaster" that's spent the better part of his teenage years yanking off to Asuka from Eva. This guy reads TOO MUCH INTERNET. One of his first comments to our head sensei was, "That's not how I learned it online," to which we all groaned. Let me say this, first and foremost, to anyone out there looking to begin in martial arts- start in a dojo, not at your computer desk. Incidentally, this kid's got a lot of useless garble stuck in his head from books he only read parts of to do-it-yourself money-back-guarantee fly-by-night online "schools". Anyone seen Napolean Dynamite with the Rex Kwon Do scene? yuh.... This guy does not know the difference between kendo and iai-jutsu (the style we study), and thinks they're the same or should be the same. He told us once he saw some kendo in an anime and thought it was cool because kendo has a lot of hot babes in it. Hmm...number of girls in our iai class? (tally....1! Me!) AAHHHH!!! I'm trying to be as dissinterested as possible without coming off as a bitch, but christ, this kid wouldn't know subtlety if it knocked him over the head with a oar (which, by the way, he has tried to bring to class to use because Musashi used it).
I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a few weeks, until he made two comments that bugged the shit out of me. One dealt with his "expert knowledge" which he no doubtedly picked up from the net. He was talking with this one kid, a young teen, about his expertise in drinking. Now, picture this, and tell me if this kid has much of a social life:

• He has a sizable lisp.
• He has big, thick coke-bottle glasses.
• He openly talks about DND
• He thinks he's the next Musashi

So, the first thing that flys out of his mouth is, "I've been to lots of parties" <> Did I also mention we suspect this kid is a chronic liar? So, anyway, to finish his thought, "I've eben to lots of parties, and I know that sake rated based on how sweet the grapes are."Now, I guess that comment would be alright to the young teen, but even he knew probably that 1) sake is rated by how dry it is and 2) sake is made from rice. *sigh* Thing number two was his reasoning for his interest in my being in Japan. He asked me if I had any friends who lived near some temple I don't remember the name of. I said, "I dunno, why?" and he replied, "Because I'm looking for a place to stay in Japan until they accept me for monk training." <>

I"m gonna start a character in my comix section based on him called "Nerdverd Von Stone"- my brother began this character as a bratty, dorky villian. I think it's come time we revive him. I'm also gona start a list called "Nerdverd-isms". Every time he says something stupid, I'm gonna write it down here. In closing, here's some now.

Nerdverd-isms

• "I'm totally samurai"
• "Ow, he hurt me"
• "Oops, hit the wall."
• ''I'm in training to be a monk."
• "I've heard of chanabarrah (chambara). Is that where they beat you with stuff?"
• "By the way, how long does it take to stop your head from bleeding?"
• "I can't see...I'm just gonna wail 'til I hit something."
• "Oops, hit the wall again."
• "Sorry sensei, I won't do it again. What'd I do?"
• "I played Kendo before in my back yard."
• "How much is a sword, 50? A hundred?"
• "Oops, hit the ceiling."

...and that's just this past summer.